


A Tiny Dark Spot

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Cancer, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mundane Magnus Bane/Mundane Alec Lightwood, Romance, Sick Magnus Bane, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-03 21:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17291780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: MUNDANE AU                 After a long, tough road to each other Magnus and Alec are finally enjoying their relationship. Their happiness is interrupted brutally when they learn that Magnus has cancer. Through the story flashbacks reveal how they got to where they are. But with Magnus growing sicker and sicker, will they still have a future?                             MALEC





	1. How It All Began…

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Tiny Dark Spot](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/446345) by Sandylee007. 



> So… This is gonna sound horrible but I've wanted to type a story like this for a long time. (smirks sheepishly) So, here we are.  
> DISCLAIMER: BUAH-HAH-HAA! Yeeeeeeah, right… Nope, I own nothing.  
> WARNINGS: Trigger warning for cancer… Feels, illness, tears, and some foul language… You still out there…?
> 
> LENGTH: This will be around ten chapters long, give or take a chapter or two.
> 
> Okay, because it's LATE… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.

/ Their first encounter happened on Alec's nineteenth birthday. His parents dragged him and his siblings to theater, clearly imagining that it was something he'd enjoy. Alec… was miserable, and bored out of his mind. Until a dance number began. His eyes locked on a particular dancer and refused to budge, no matter how hard he tried.

The man, who was probably a few years his senior, was dressed in a manner that was designed for drawing attention. He wore heavy makeup, with a touch of glitter. He was… attractive, but in no shape or form Alec's type. Especially because he was a man, and Alec… wasn't… gay.

Then the stranger lifted his gaze to meet his and he couldn't breathe.

Alec was spellbound and terrified out of his mind. He couldn't understand what was happening to him and wanted it to stop. He wanted the theater play to stop, because he couldn't think clearly. He was supposed to be over… urges like this after an outrageously expensive therapist made him see the feelings he once had for his adopted brother Jace for what they were. It was just misread affection. He wasn't gay.

He wasn't, seriously.

Still… After the play the dancer's eyes were everything he could remember about the whole thing. Along with how the man's body moved effortlessly and elegantly.

Jace was quick to announce that he had plans. (Which most likely included a girl and things Alec seriously didn't want to even imagine.) With the help of fake IDs Izzy dragged Alec to a club after the torture. He wasn't a drinker but that very day he needed it. Maybe something stronger than beer would clear his head.

Inside the club the noise, people and restless energy immediately got too much for Alec to handle. He hoped that his sister would stay by his side and operate as a human shield between him and the crowd that had him on the edge. Unfortunately Izzy spotted someone… interesting and ditched him to the bar counter. (Apparently she wasn't going to tolerate him when he was on one of his Grumpy Cat moods.) Alec was more than happy to sulk alone. Fate… had other plans.

He jumped when a drink, something suspiciously blue, was pushed towards him. "You look like you could use something strong. And… I heard congratulations are in order."

Alec shivered when his whole body reacted to that voice in a way he couldn't understand. He barely heard his phone announce a message from the music and how loudly his heart was beating. It was Izzy, of course. 'Happy Birthday, brother.'

Alec frowned from confusion. Then became far too aware of the man beside him. Not wanting to seem rude despite his inner turmoil, he looked to the side. His whole being reacted, again, when he discovered that it was the dancer from the theater stage. Dressed in so much color, glitter and style that it was impossible to look away. He was every bit as otherworldly beautiful as on the stage. (Later, much later, he'd learn that at the same moment the man had very similar thoughts of him.)

It took at least ten full seconds before Alec was able to react in any way. "T-Thank you. For… the drink." He rubbed the back of his suddenly very warm neck with a hand that wasn't steady. "What… What are you d-doing here?"

Whatever look there was on his face, it seemed to amuse the man. "I happen to own this place." (So that was why Izzy took him to this exact club. She saw where Alec's attention was during the play, and imagined… And somehow she knew Magnus… Oh, he was going to…!) A charming smile no mortal would've been able to look away from appeared. "We haven't been formally introduced. I'm Magnus."

Alec blinked twice. Very slowly. Every little bit of him was tingling and breathing was starting to become a serious issue. He was trapped into a mixture of a nightmare and a daydream, and he had no idea what to do. "Alec", he managed with severe difficulty. The most likely stupid looking smile that'd appeared to his face disappeared the second he noticed it. He continued blinking rapidly, like trying to send a S.O.S message with eyes. "I, um… should go… Find my sister." So he could strangle her for messing with his head like this.

Magnus nodded, a rather infuriating knowing look on his face. (Alec was deeply uncomfortable with how much he appreciated the way those eyes sized him up.) "Enjoy your birthday, Alexander."

While dashing away Alec felt the beat of loud music hammering in sync with heart. And no matter how much he fought to resist even the thought, no matter how fast he ran away from it… He knew that the beat would pull him back. /

/

Even after six years together, two and a half of which they'd lived under the same roof, Alec Lightwood was still stupidly in love with Magnus Bane. He'd imagined that the physical reactions he had every time he saw, heard and felt his boyfriend would stop at some point. It wasn't the first nor last time he was wrong.

When they danced to the beat of Magnus's club that night, arms wrapped around each other and lips barely parting from one another, Alec felt the same spark he did when they first lay their eyes on each other. When he first saw Magnus, the most magical person he'd ever met. (No matter how little he admitted to experiencing feeling that way at the time.)

The kiss planted to his cheek made him shudder from delight. They tightened their hold on each other out of silent agreement before Magnus leaned his head on his shoulder, spiked hair tickling his chin. "Now what has you smiling like that, Alexander?"

Alec's smile brightened while he let himself get lost into the feel of the familiar body pressed against him. "You", he admitted easily. Their kiss was languid and deep, such of two people who were exactly where they wanted to be and had no desire to hurry anywhere else.

Years ago, Alec could've never imagined feeling so comfortable inside his own skin. But now… Now being held by another man was something natural to him. Magnus's embrace grounded him so well that the crowd and even the looks they were getting didn't bother him.

Alec's thoughts were cut abruptly when without any warning Magnus's balance broke. Moving as quickly as he could, he caught his boyfriend just before the older man would've fallen. This time his heart beat fast from other than elation while he held on tight, locking them to what looked like an awkward dance dip. "What happened?"

Magnus blinked slowly. Either confused or lightheaded. "I'm… not sure." The man grimaced while straightening. "That certainly wasn't my most graceful moment." The kind of a smile reserved for one person alone appeared. "I was lucky to have you around."

Alec smiled as well, for a moment. Until worry took over. "Are you okay?"

Magnus gave him a kiss. "Why wouldn't I be? Look who I have holding me."

While they kissed again the club's noise drowned out the alarm Alec's mind was screaming.

/

A few days later a gang of six friends was sitting at a restaurant, enjoying the rare occasion when they all had enough spare time to meet up. While Alec and Izzy began to bicker playfully, and were soon joined by Jace and Clary, Simon glanced towards Magnus. His curiosity, and perhaps worry, sparked when he saw the way his friend squinted while skimming through the menu.

Magnus noticed the look, of course. "Just… Dry and blurry eyes."

Simon bought that explanation because he wanted to. Because it was the least scary option. He grinned, mainly to chase away the unease bubbling in his stomach. "Or you need reading glasses, old man."

Magnus returned the suggestion with a roll of eyes. "Be glad I'm mature enough to not make a scene at a restaurant. Or I'd throw some of that brick hard bread at you."

/

Alec had woken up to many things in the home he shared with Magnus. There was an unfortunate amount of nightmares that had Magnus either screaming or shaking in his sleep… Kisses… And one very memorable occasion when he woke up to Magnus coming home drunk from comforting his friend Raphael after a nasty breakup.

He'd never before awakened to the sounds of retching.

Instantly alarmed, Alec made his way towards the bathroom. "Magnus?" He winced and felt worry swell upon discovering his boyfriend spitting the last of the vomit to the toilet. He returned after fetching a glass of water and offered the liquid to his boyfriend.

Magnus gave him a look of gratitude and sipped the water slowly. His voice didn't sound right when he finally found it. "Let's never try that restaurant again."

Alec nodded in agreement. But something inside him refused to be soothed by that simple explanation. Especially when he noticed the way his boyfriend squinted against the room's dim light. "Headache?"

"Hmm." Magnus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I've had it for two days. I thought it'd be over by now."

"What?" Alec had some difficulties processing that information. "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" He groaned and went on when a somewhat sheepish, pained look was the only answer he got. "Have you taken anything for it?"

Magnus nodded as much as his head allowed. "Doesn't seem to help much." The man emitted a sound of discomfort and hauled himself up. "Well… At least I seem to be… done here."

Alec wasted no time before stepping up to wrap a protective arm around his boyfriend. "C'mon, let's go back to bed", he beckoned once the older man had brushed his teeth. Their slow journey was halfway over before he went on. "Magnus? If the headache doesn't go away by tomorrow… Promise me that you'll see a doctor."

"I promise. But I'm sure it won't be necessary." Magnus leaned a little more heavily against him. Probably would've given him a kiss if it wasn't for the recent nausea. "Thank you, for caring so much." Being cared for wasn't something Magnus was accustomed to.

Alec wondered if he'd ever manage to convince Magnus that he cared about him more than anyone or anything else in the world.

/

By the following day the headache had eased to a tolerable dull throb. And at a dance studio where Magnus had spent countless of hours practicing waltz music played while the still aching man coached with his newest student. "One… Two… Three… Yes, now we're making progress."

"Really?" The uncertain look Jace gave him was quite endearing. "So you think I won't make a fool out of myself in front of everyone?"

Magnus couldn't help but smile. "We've spent fifty hours practicing. Biscuit will be proud of you. Trust me." He stopped the music and stretched, hoping that it might appease the stiffness all over his sore body. (It was like the headache had eased after scattering everywhere.)

Jace smiled back. "Thanks, for doing this. I don't know how I would've pulled this off without."

Magnus was about to respond when his voice caught in his throat. The words refused to roll off his tongue properly and black spots danced in his line of vision. He hissed at the discomfort and pressed a hand against his eyes.

"Magnus?" A worried Jace, he mused with some amusement, sounded a lot like a worried Alec. "What's wrong?"

Magnus gulped laboriously while his stomach rolled. "Just… got a little lightheaded. I think I forgot to eat breakfast this morning." Actually… Because of the nausea he'd skipped a lot of meals lately.

Jace's furrowing eyebrows revealed that he wasn't happy with that response. "It's already three in the afternoon."

"Oh." Well… He didn't mean to go without food until that late. Might explain why he felt… well, not exactly good.

Magnus wasn't fully certain what happened next. Suddenly he was sitting on a chair. And then Alec appeared, so much fear in his eyes that it made Magnus's stomach twist and turn. (The last thing he wanted was to make the man he loved feel like that.) "I know that you said you don't need to see a doctor. But that was before… this." Alec's tone was nothing short of pleading. "Let's go. Just to make sure."

Magnus found himself complying. Because he would've done pretty much anything to make Alec feel better. And because he wasn't quite able to convince himself that this was nothing anymore.

/

Dr. Lorenzo Rey, whom they saw after a – in Alec's humble opinion – outrageously long wait, announced that there was nothing wrong with Magnus. With advice to take vitamins, rest and follow a more regular diet they were pushed out of the doctor's office. Their journey home was quiet, one of them exhausted and the other terrified. When he finally got to bed Magnus slept for fifteen hours. Alec couldn't sleep at all from the dread swirling in his stomach. It was like a part of him already suspected that something horrible was going to tumble on them.

Which happened two days later.

Alec was on his way home when his phone started ringing. He frowned upon discovering that the caller was Catarina, Magnus's best friend. While they were something like friends as well she didn't usually call him. Dread lifted its head while he picked up. "Hey. Is… something wrong?"

Catarina swallowed loudly, very obviously upset and unable to disguise it fully. "Alec… I need you to stay calm." (Like there was any hope of him doing that after hearing those words.) "Magnus was just brought in. Clary went to check the dance studio when he was late for her dress fitting and found him collapsed."

Alec's memory had some serious gaps after that. He remembered rushing to the hospital and running into Clary, who was wiping her red, puffy eyes. Despite the sheer terror raging inside him Alec felt a bout of sympathy. They'd come a long way from almost seven years ago, when she started dating Jace and an ugly, green-eyed monster awakened inside him. "What happened?" he demanded, more softly than he'd expected.

Clary gulped and shook her head. "I… I don't know. He just… He lay there…" She trailed off when the memory got too much. (She'd known Magnus since she was a little girl and considered him something like a big brother. Seeing him like that… It had to be awful.)

Alec tried to find words of comfort. But just then a doctor was making his way towards them. The look on the medical professional's face made the world start to shake and grumble.

Alec understood very little of what he was told. Something about a seizure, and them planning on examining Magnus's head. Then the man was gone and the torturous waiting continued.

It was dark outside by the time Alec was finally allowed to enter the room Magnus had been pushed into. His stomach clenched at how frail, exhausted and… ill his usually vibrant boyfriend looked. So small in the hospital bed.

Magnus's eyes were only half open when they met his, and full of pain. Another headache, Alec realized easily. Feeling uncertain and scared, Alec approached the bed and claimed the chair beside it. After a moment of hesitation he grabbed Magnus's hand and squeezed, a small caress of relief following when his boyfriend returned the gesture. Not a single word needed to be said. They just held on to each other as though for dear life until the morning came. Which was also when a doctor walked into the room, and just one look was enough to reveal that the news would be horrible.

Alec's brain stopped functioning after the word 'tumor'. He stared with slightly widened, uncomprehending eyes when the doctor showed them a scan of Magnus's brain and pointed at a dark spot that wasn't supposed to be there. Beside him Magnus started to tremble, and Alec wanted desperately to just grab him and drag him away from the nightmare that was just getting started.

Cancer.

Alec squeezed Magnus's hand so tightly that it probably hurt, feeling the kind of fear he'd never experienced before.


	2. How Reality Came Out…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec do their best to digest the horrible news and all the unwanted information that comes along. Reality hits them even more mercilessly when they have to share the news with others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got BIG! (chuckles) This'll probably be the longest chapter of this whole story. I just couldn't find I spot from where I would've been willing to cut this, so… Ta-da, here's the whole monster!  
> FIRST, though… THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments and kudoses! They make me happier than you'll ever know. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay? Are you ready? Are you sure…? Let's go, anyway! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.
> 
> ONE MORE QUICK NOTE: This whole story will have some quotes from and nods to the show and books. Because I wanted to give this a touch of canon. Happy early Easter Egg hunt! (grins)

/ Alec hated shopping. The whole experience wasn't made any more pleasant by the fact that he was accompanied by Izzy, who loved shopping so much that it was terrifying, and their little brother Max, who was as unhappy as he was and loud about it. "Why do I have to be here if Max needs a new shirt and shoes?" he grumbled while mentioned child walked ahead his siblings, sulking.

"Because all you've done the past two months is study. Locked up into that tiny, stuffy room of yours", Izzy announced with her usual blunt honesty. "You need some time out before that grumpy expression of yours becomes permanent."

"I'm busy", Alec protested. It wasn't like he'd been actively avoiding going out. Or… other things, or certain people. ('Keep telling yourself that', a voice in the back of his head snarked back.) If he wanted to ever actually graduate there was a mountain of work to do. Still, the time his sister announced surprised him. Had it really been two months from his birthday? "Right now I should be studying for a…" He abruptly forgot what he'd been about to say.

Because he saw Magnus walking towards them. The older man paused upon spotting him, and when their eyes locked Alec lost his breath. The tingling he recalled experiencing when they first met returned, even more intense, when Magnus smiled.

If he'd been able to tear his eyes away from the dancer for long enough to look, he would've seen Izzy smirk. "C'mon, Maxie. Let's go and get some ice cream. Alec will catch up with us in a minute."

Alec wanted to run away. Or hide. Anything to get out of the situation. But he stood paralyzed to the spot, until Magnus was only a step or so away. "Well… This is certainly a pleasant surprise." Seeing his embarrassingly open confusion and panic, the dancer went on. "I was under the impression that your sister needed my help with something."

Alec couldn't help it. He smiled, for the first time in two months, and unleashed a brief, uncomfortably high-pitched breathless chuckle. "She always sticks her nose into things that are none of her business."

Their eyes were still locked and despite his best attempts Alec couldn't look away. It was like he'd been enchanted. He'd… never been exactly suave with people. But standing there, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly in a manner that made him look like a fish on dry land… It had to be his worst attempt at social interaction. (Or was it worse than running away like he did the previous time? Magnus seemed to bring out the worst in him.)

Magnus, to his immense irritation, seemed to find his current state endearing. "You look like you could use a drink again. Allow me to buy you one."

Alec's mind reeled. "It's, ah… only noon…" He trailed off while his brain shut down.

Magnus shrugged. "Well. It's always happy hour somewhere."

Alec shook his head. Against the tingling everywhere inside him, against the way his heart was pounding, against the… pull he felt with all of him, against the invitation. "No." Well, at least he succeeded in saying that clearly. "I should… I've gotta…" But that very day his body was a traitorous thing.

Even though he fought back, his eyes fell on Magnus's lips and he licked his own. Without noticing it he began to lean closer, closer… Unfortunately someone else did notice.

There was a shove, light but hostile. Followed by a hiss that sounded like spitting. "… faggots …"

Alec recoiled like he'd been burned, taking a clear step away from Magnus. Shame made his cheeks color. Nausea swirled in the pit of his stomach and there was an uncomfortable searing sensation in his eyes.

He wasn't…! He wasn't…! He wasn't…!

"Alec." Magnus's eyes were more serious than he'd ever seen them but affectionate, understanding. "There's nothing to be ashamed of."

Alec clenched his jaw. Some of the suffocating humiliation transformed far too easily to anger the older man didn't deserve. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You will." Magnus sounded entirely too sure of the matter. "And when you do, remember this." The man went on when he had his full, reluctant attention. "There are far too many people in this world who judge you and look down on you because of what you are. Because of something you have no control over. Don't be one of them." With that the dancer turned around gracefully and began to walk away. "Give Isabelle my best, will you? Tell her that I appreciate the gesture." With those words Magnus disappeared to the crowd.

After the encounter Alec felt like he was about to explode, in a way he'd never experienced before. He barely talked when he found Izzy and Max, or during the shopping. Izzy gave him several frowns, obviously wondering what went wrong. Max frowned as well but didn't ask, clearly concluding that it was a grownup thing and making the smart decision to stay out of it.

Alec finally lost control over his tongue when they'd dropped off Max to their parents' home and were approaching Izzy's apartment building. "Magnus asked me to tell you that he appreciates the gesture." He gritted his teeth. "I had no idea that you know him."

"I met him almost a year ago. We have a mutual friend." Which translated to meaning one of Izzy's… conquests. "I go dancing with him sometimes. And with his taste in fashion he's great help when I go clothes shopping."

A horrible, bitter taste rose to Alec's mouth. So Izzy was behind it all. She gave their parents the idea to go to the theater on his birthday. Then the club, and now this. He wanted to feel angry and betrayed, and she was the perfect target.

Izzy finally seemed to pick up on his mood. She sighed. "Alec, Magnus had no idea that I…"

"I don't care!" Alec didn't mean to be quite that loud, nor did he care much. How could his own sister…? "Izzy, you have no right to meddle with my life! You had no right to try and set me up with a…!" The choked on his words.

"… man?" Izzy filled in. There was an irritating amount of sympathy in her eyes. "I know how hard it is for you, to accept that side of you. But I could see from a mile away how much you wanted to meet him. And as your sister it's my duty to try and help you become happy. Especially when you have no idea what's good for you."

"I'm not gay!" Alec shouted at her face, and startled himself with finally saying it out loud.

"Yes, you are." Izzy tried to take his hand but he pulled it away sharply. She seemed sad. "Alec, it's okay…"

Alec shook his head heatedly. "Stop telling me what I am and need! You have no idea how I feel!" he roared, oblivious to the looks from people passing by. "Just… Just back off!" With that command he began to make his way towards home, his heart still raging and his blood boiling.

"Alec…!" Izzy called out but he didn't look back.

Alec ignored all calls and messages from Izzy for the next three days. On evening three he asked out Lydia, a lovely girl from his study group he sometimes talked to. He was awkward and sputtered the question out of the blue, sounded far too much like he was making a business deal. He could hardly believe it when she said yes but he was glad she did. (Or so he told himself.) Because he was convinced that a so-called date would fix whatever the hell was wrong with him.

It didn't.

The date… wasn't horrible. Because it was entirely too much 'nothing' to be a disaster. They talked some, even managed to exchange a couple of jokes. But there was no rapidly beating heart, tingling sensation or breathlessness. There wasn't even the faintest bit of excitement. On their way back to their dorm building they passed by Magnus's club. And for the first time the whole evening Alec felt something other than frustration. The club's beat made his pulse escalate without a fail.

Once they made it to Lydia's door he made a move to kiss her. Because… wasn't that what he was supposed to do after a date? Even if there were no romantic feelings. Lydia, however, stopped him with a gentle hand placed against his chest. "I'm not going to kiss someone who doesn't want it. And someone who's clearly been pining after someone else the whole evening." She shrugged with a smile he didn't think he deserved. "It's okay." (Why did everyone keep telling him that these days?) "Next time we go out, it'll be just as friends. Agreed?"

"Agreed", Alec muttered, and felt relieved for some odd reason.

Lydia nodded and seemed to contemplate giving him a hug but decided against it. "Goodnight, Alec. And… Remember that I'm here if you need to talk. Because you look like you need to get something off your chest." With that she retreated to her apartment.

Alec didn't go home immediately. He headed to the tiny gym at the building's basement floor and nearly destroyed a punching bag. Apparently he had more pent-up energy than he'd imagined because he didn't sleep that night.

'… nothing to be ashamed of …'

'… it's okay …'

'… need to get something off your chest …'

Alec was so done with feeling angry and frustrated. He was done with feeling like there was something wrong with him. And most of all he was done with being at a constant war with himself.

Five days later Alec called his therapist for the first time in almost a year. A few more days later he sat in her waiting room. Izzy was right beside him, holding his hand. /

/

They were given an overwhelming amount of official documents and pamphlets. Information… Appointments… Lists of therapists and support groups… Magnus was utterly paralyzed so Alec grabbed the pile, feeling unsteady, sick to his stomach and dizzy.

The doctor – whose name Alec couldn't remember even five minutes, let alone years later – didn't seem to know which one of them to talk to. "I understand that this is a lot to take in." ('No, you don't!' Alec wanted to snarl but couldn't, his hand clutching at Magnus's desperately.) "Do you have any questions?"

Alec didn't, because he couldn't think from the shock. Magnus had only one thing to ask, which was murmured barely audibly. "When can I go home?"

The doctor blinked with surprise before composing himself. "Another doctor will come and see you soon. Perhaps after that." He sighed, and Alec felt a ridiculous, unhelpful urge to punch that pity off his face. (He was almost glad that Magnus was staring at the floor and didn't see it being directed at him.) "Try to get some rest. And let the nurses know if you need anything."

Magnus nodded dazedly. The doctor stayed for an annoyingly long moment, as though expecting something more, then walked away. Leaving them adrift in the middle of the pitch-black ocean the bomb that was just dropped pushed them into.

Alec wasn't entirely sure which one them was trembling. Perhaps both of them. Needing clearer physical contact as much as he knew Magnus did, he got up from the chair and settled himself to the bed instead. It was far too narrow for two adults but they didn't mind. Eventually Magnus was practically sitting on Alec's lap and fit there like that spot was created for him. Unable to imagine doing anything else, Alec wrapped and arm around his boyfriend and pulled him closer still. He didn't want to ever let go.

"I need a drink", Magnus announced, quietly and hoarsely.

Alec would've tried to force a chuckle but feared that it'd come out as a sob. He gulped past the lump in his throat. "Me too." He closed his eyes when the stinging in them got too much, then buried his face in his boyfriend's hair to inhale the familiar scent. And tried to, no matter how little he wanted to, imagine a world without the man in his arms. (Who helped him accept himself and made him happy for the first time in his life.) "You'll be okay." He needed to say it. He needed Magnus to hear it. He needed it to be true.

Magnus leaned a little more against him. Alec didn't know to take the gesture for what it was until the older man wrapped an arm around him and started to rub soothing circles on his back. (Was Magnus trying to comfort him?) "I know."

They stayed like that for a long time. At some point a nurse appeared with food. Magnus made no move to even taste it. After some beckoning from his boyfriend Alec tried to eat it instead. ('Alexander, you've been stuck here with me for almost a day. One of us has to eat.') He managed to force down a few mouthfuls but stopped when it all tasted foul.

Soon after another nurse stopped by with pain medication. Alec didn't know what it was but it seemed to make Magnus drowsy rather than help with the headache. His boyfriend was about to fall asleep while Alec skimmed through the documents they were given when a new doctor walked in.

The arrival didn't try to smile, clearly figuring out that they weren't in the mood for that. But he also didn't seem pitying while greeting Magnus with a nod. (Alec came to the conclusion that he might learn to tolerate this one.) "I'm Dr. Cooper, or Charlie. I'm sorry it took me this long to get here, but I had to go through all your test results to try and figure out a game plan for us."

Alec perked up slightly at that. Finally it was time to do something, or to at least discuss what would be done. This was the part he might be able to handle. "I read something about Magnus needing surgery." He absolutely detested the man he loved being cut open so someone could poke at his brain. (Even the thought made his protective instincts scream.) But if that was what it would take to save Magnus's life he'd accept it happily.

Dr. Cooper nodded. "Yeah, it's been scheduled for early on next week. I get that it's happening too fast, but the sooner we get it over with the better." The doctor gave them a moment before continuing. "During the operation we'll take a biopsy of the tumor to get a better idea of what we're dealing with. Of course we'll also try to remove the whole thing. In some cases that's the only treatment needed…"

Alec's brief moment of eerie calm and clinical detachment ended as quickly as it began. Sheer panic sped through his veins and his heart was pounding. "'Try'?" he snapped harshly. 'Trying' wasn't enough when this was Magnus's life they were talking about!

Magnus gave his hand a squeeze. "Alec", the man admonished him softly and gulped. Fear was loud and clear in his dark eyes, and it did nothing to soothe Alec's fried nerves. (He didn't remember the last time he would've seen his boyfriend look scared.) "I'm… sorry. This is all just… a bit too much."

Dr. Cooper nodded again, clearly unoffended. "I'll make sure that you have all necessary information about the operation printed. Because I've got a feeling that you won't remember half of what I'm telling you right now when you get home." He gave them a card that had a surgical ward's number. "If you have any questions, at all, give them a call."

Alec was only able to nod, Magnus couldn't manage even that much.

When it became apparent that his audience was a mute one Dr. Cooper continued. Even more paper was offered to them. Alec frowned at the list of medicine. He only recognized one name. "What are all these for?"

"I consulted an oncologist before coming her. She also gave the test results and scans a look. She recommended these." The doctor focused on Magnus, who'd gone alarmingly pale at the sight of the list. "I've understood that headaches and nausea have been an issue lately. That's because of the swelling the tumor causes. These are to treat the swelling, nausea and pain. That doctor of yours from earlier also said that you had a seizure yesterday. If more of those happen we'll have to think about medication for that problem as well."

Magnus snorted. After getting a couple of confused looks he explained reluctantly. "Just… I've… had hard time keeping down even food for a few days. I can imagine what fun a fistful of pills will be." He gave Alec's hand an apologetic squeeze when the younger man flinched at those words.

Dr. Cooper smiled sympathetically. "Try to find something your stomach agrees on." The doctor glanced towards the uneaten food nearby and winced. "Something way better than the stuff here." After receiving one ghost of a smile and one half-grimace the man seemed to conclude that they'd had their fill of information. "I'll sign a couple of papers. And I'll have the nurses give you a nutritional therapist's number in case you end up needing it. Then you're good to go home. I'll see you in a few days."

Magnus's attempt at a grin fell flat. As did the joke. "I can hardly wait."

Then it was just the two of them. Panicked and overwhelmed, with no idea what to do next. Desperate for someone to tell him what to do, Alec held on to Magnus tightly. Like keeping him close would've made the mass in his brain disappear. "What do you need?"

Magnus swallowed. "I just… I want to go home." It was said with such despair, every syllable full of unshed tears, that no decent human being would've been able to even imagine saying 'no'.

So home they went, with a mountain of information sheets, a sickening amount of pill bottles and the weight of the world on their shoulders.

/

Neither felt like talking much. What good would all words have done? By the time they made it home Magnus was still achy and utterly exhausted. And nauseous, to a point where even water refused to stay down.

Alec guided his boyfriend from the toilet to their bed and they curled up there, side by side. Unable to stand even the thought of being further apart than that. Alec wondered with dread how he'd stay sane through the long nights Magnus would have to stay at a hospital after the surgery. His mind was even cruel enough to shove him into facing the possibility that he'd have to sleep alone for the rest of his life.

Needing something to do while Magnus dozed fitfully, Alec finally remembered his phone and switched it on. He was assaulted by a flood of unanswered calls and messages. The newest contact was from Jace.

'Alec, what the hell is going on? Clary came home in tears and won't tell me what's wrong. And now she keeps checking her phone every five seconds. Did something happen at the dress fitting?'

And suddenly it occurred to Alec that this horror story touched more people than just the two of them. A selfish part of him wished that Clary wasn't such a loyal friend and had spilled the beans to Jace. So he and Magnus wouldn't have to.

Shit, they'd have to start telling people…!

He swore in a quiet hiss. It was enough to make Magnus wake up with a frown of confusion and bleary eyes. "'s wrong?"

Alec showed him the message. Then waited for a few seconds to let the words sink in. "What do you want to do?"

Magnus gave him a wry smile. "Ideally? I'd bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening. But…" The dancer grimaced. "In a few days I'll go through surgery and have at least a part of my hair shaved. People are going to start noticing."

Without any conscious decision Alec combed his hair through mentioned hair. Determined to enjoy being able to do so, for now. "I know", he admitted reluctantly.

Magnus gave him a short but sweet kiss. (Alec figured that he'd have to get used to the taste of breath mint.) Then buried his head to the crook of his neck and just held on, both of them needing it. "I…" The older man gulped loudly. "I don't think I could handle telling everyone separately. And… I'd rather get it over with as soon as possible. We could invite them all over tomorrow."

Alec nodded slowly. He had a million things to say. But for some reason none of them came out.

Silence lingered until Magnus inhaled a deep, shuddering breath. "We're gonna need tequila", the dancer decided. Sensing Alec's confusion, he went on. "We're going to tell Raphael. There has to be tequila standing by."

/

To their relief, and horror, everyone replied that they could be there, probably alarmed by the invitations' serious tone.

'Everyone' turned out to be quite many people. Clary, one of the two visitors with some id/ea of how badly things might be wrong, looked ready to throw up. Jace and Luke, who was Magnus's good friend and who'd been Clary's stepdad since she was little, seemed confused and alarmed by her distress. Catarina was very, very tense, her years as a nurse and what little she knew putting her on high alert. Ragnor seemed mostly grumpy, just like Raphael, and Alec had a vague suspicion that they'd been drinking together the night before. Again. (It was almost comforting in its familiarity.) Simon seemed scared and wasted no time before sputtering why. "This is bad news, right?" The whole gang had been waiting for them to announce their engagement for years. But this very obviously wasn't that happy announcement. "You guys look like you've got bad news."

Oh, you have no idea…!, Alec mused bitterly.

Maia, Simon's girlfriend of five months and Magnus's most trusted bartender, frowned. Her eyes scanned Magnus and clearly spotted something she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Is this why you asked me to cover for you last night?" There was a touch of worry in her tone. He was her boss, but he was also something of a friend and mentor.

Magnus shivered and shifted from discomfort. Then did his best to compose himself. "Let's… just wait until everyone's here. Anyone in the mood for a martini?"

Alec didn't quite know what to feel when Dorothea, or Dot as everyone called her, walked through their door as well. She was Magnus's dear friend and dancing partner. She was also Magnus's ex. And despite the years they'd been together, despite knowing how irrational it was, Alec wasn't comfortable with seeing her around his boyfriend.

Alec's jealousy – towards Magnus's exes, towards the dancer's past he was still so infuriatingly secretive about – almost cost him their relationship and his own happiness, once. But today… Today he had more reason than ever before to prove to himself just how much Magnus had helped him grow up as a person. When he saw the warm, genuine hug of care Dot gave Magnus… When he saw how it helped a tiny fraction of his boyfriend's tension disappear… He figured that tolerating her presence for a little while was well worth it.

Izzy was late, as usual. By the time she appeared the apartment's tension could've been cut by a knife. "Sorry I'm late. There was a paperwork mess." She then took in the somber faces around her. "What's… wrong? You guys look like someone died." She meant it as a joke, of course. But with her perfectly innocent words all hell broke loose.

Clary burst into tears. Which brought everyone to varying levels of panic. Magnus tensed up visibly. "So, ah… I had to stop by at a hospital." Magnus raised a hand and was somehow able to stop the thunderstorm of alarmed exclamations and questions. "And…" His eyes met Alec's, briefly, while they both sought the strength they needed to push through this. "… I got some pretty bad news."

Said news were received about as well as they'd feared. There was an explosion of noise. Crying. Questions. A lot of swearing.

Magnus looked like he'd just been hit by a truck, several times over. And like at the hospital Alec wanted desperately to just grab him and drag him away from it all. Wanted to stop this, all of this.

But this was their new reality. The shock nearly dropped Ragnor from his seat, while Catarina brought a hand to her lips to hold back whatever it was that nearly bubbled out. Clary and Dot were crying, Izzy's eyes shimmered suspiciously. Raphael muttered something under his breath, visibly shaken in a way Alec had never seen before. Jace stared at him with complete, utter horror. Luke, usually cool and composed, swore loudly. Maia gasped. Simon's wide, horrified eyes went from him to Magnus as though watching a tennis match, the gaze pleading someone to tell him that this wasn't really happening. (Oh, how Alec shared the sentiment…!) The reactions of their friends made the bubble of numbness and denial Alec had been clinging to burst violently. Hammered home that this indeed was happening, and there wasn't a damned thing he could do to stop it.

Magnus, as was often his custom, took it upon himself to try and comfort everyone. He offered soothing words and reassurances. Even managed a couple of jokes.

Watching it was too much for Alec. The others were too distracted to notice when he withdrew to the balcony. Once he made it there he closed his eyes and let the tears he'd been fighting all day fall. Then stuffed a fist into his mouth to mute a scream of sheer anguish.

Alec had no idea how long passed before he ran out of strength and voice. He slid to the floor, face buried to his hands, and fought with all he had to breathe. That was how Magnus found him. A wave of guilt flowed through him when he realized that he must've spent far longer out there than he planned. He made Magnus go through the rest of the ordeal alone. His lips opened but the apology was cut short by him being claimed to a hungry, anxious kiss. And Alec's body reacted instinctively to Magnus's unvoiced plea.

They made love right there. Neither was in a particularly… amorous mood but they needed it, with every fiber of their beings. It was slow, delicate and intimate.

When they were done Magnus looked up at him. (Alec didn't think his boyfriend had ever seemed more beautiful than he did there, moonlight casting an ethereal hue on him.) "I love you, Alexander."

Alec kissed him. Long and gently, savoring every second of it. "I love you, too", he breathed against his boyfriend's lips. So please, don't leave me. Please stay with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH… BOY… And the whole nightmare has only started. (winces) We'll see just how much this is gonna hurt…  
> SOOO… The word's yours, now. Was that any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me know! I LOVE hearing from you.
> 
> IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: We see how the boys' first date went. And Magnus is taken to surgery. (gulps)
> 
> ABOUT FUTURE UPDATES: I'll start typing chapter six (yeah, six) once I've posted this. SO, at least for a while I MIGHT be able to update twice a week, or every five days. How does that sound?
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that I'll see you all there.  
> Take care!


	3. How Everything Was on a Knife-Edge…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past Alec and Magnus have their awkward first date. In present time they brace themselves for Magnus's surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuup. I believe that it's time to update again. BUUUT, first…!  
> THANK YOU, so much, for all the comments, love and support! This story isn't exactly a feel-good tale and the ride has been AND will continue to be quite painful. So it means the world to me that you're all aboard! (HUGS)  
> Okay, because I know that it wasn't my silly ramblings that lured you here… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.
> 
> IN THIS CHAPTER: We'll witness their first date ALMOST like it was in the books, from Alec's POV. And then it's time for something sadder... (winces)

/ After six months of therapy Alec wasn't very convinced that it was working at all. He was still angry and frustrated. And whenever his therapist brought up the issue of his sexual orientation he got… confrontational.

Izzy stopped trying to set him up with Magnus. For some ridiculous reason that angered him, too. Why did everything have to be so confusing? (It didn't occur to him that perhaps the confusion was a sign that the therapy was working, after all. A sign of something being there.)

Eventually fate decided that it was sick of watching him stumbling and gave him a good shove. A literal shove. Alec was so focused on the messaging fight he was having with Jace that he didn't watch where he was going. Or what was happening around him.

Alec had been walking far too close to the sidewalk's edge. And when someone gave him a light push he found himself stumbling towards the traffic. Until he wasn't falling anymore.

A strong arm grabbed a hold of him and pulled him out of harm's way. Still out of balance, he swayed right at a well-toned, warm chest. His heart was sent fluttering and his skin tingling in a way he recognized far too easily long before his eyes met a familiar pair.

Magnus arched an elegant eyebrow. His eyes carried amusement and worry. "Well… I must admit that I didn't expect to run into you today."

Well… Alec had expected to never run into the dancer again… He swallowed although his throat had gone painfully dry. "I, ah… Thank you, for… saving me." What was it about Magnus that always made him stutter…?

Magnus smiled. "It was my genuine pleasure." With the hand that wasn't still supporting him the man offered him a phone. "I saved this, too."

Alec took the item and attempted to thank the other again but couldn't find the voice or breath.

Magnus gave him a rather curious look, eyes lingering on his lips for a few seconds before the dancer let him go and stepped away gracefully. "While seeing you again was a pleasant surprise… Do try to take a better care of yourself." And then he was walking away, the scent of his cologne still lingering in the air strongly enough to make Alec's head spin. "Goodbye, Alexander."

Alec knew, on a level of reason, that he should've let Magnus leave. He should've let the dancer go and find someone who wasn't at a constant war with his own urges. What was he even doing…? "Magnus!" Maybe it was the other's cologne, or the adrenaline from something like a near-death experience. Maybe he was trying to prove something to himself. Their eyes met and Alec sputtered before he'd processed it properly. "You… kind of saved my life. So… Dinner?"

Magnus seemed surprised. Then nodded slowly with a nearly coy smile. "If there's also a drink involved, I won't say no."

No, Alec had absolutely no idea what he was doing. What possessed him into trying something so completely and utterly insane. The only thing he knew was that he wouldn't be telling Izzy and Jace.

The date was a complete, utter disaster. Alec was late, because Jace kept holding him back. (It was horrible beyond all words to be stuck with someone he kind of, sort of had a crush on while he was supposed to be on a date with someone else.) When he finally made it to Magnus's place he was so nervous that he poured the drink the dancer gave him all over himself. And ended up having to change his shirt in front of the other man. (He couldn't understand why he didn't just ask Magnus to look away. And why the appreciative gaze his upper body earned made his heart beat half faster than it already had.) His tongue was as clumsy as the rest of his body, and whenever he opened his mouth he wanted to grimace at what came out. (Because Magnus looked even better than ever before, and suddenly he was so eager to impress the older man that he ended up humiliating himself.) The restaurant Magnus had chosen for them was a lovely, small place, clearly elected with the purpose of it not being overwhelming on him. (Alec adored it and was fascinated by facing the kind of food he'd never tried before. Unfortunately the spicy flavors set his mouth on fire and rendered him to a gagging, gasping mess.) At some point he could've sworn that he saw Magnus send a subtle text message to someone, which didn't feel like a promising sign.

So, yeah. It was a disaster. But once Alec had downed his tenth glass of water they looked at each other. And burst into such loud laughter that they got nasty looks from nearby tables.

The fun was cut short when Magnus's phone started ringing. Alec tensed up and for some stupid reason his stomach dropped. (Hadn't he known that this was a mistake? Besides, it wasn't like he even cared much.) "That's… your friend, right? Calling about an… emergency." He had practically no experience on dating, but he'd listened to enough tales from Izzy and Jace to know what this was about. And since he was almost always home, he was usually the 'emergency' caller.

Magnus looked at him with an expression he couldn't quite read. "Yes", the dancer admitted honestly. "But I'm not going to pick up."

Alec blinked thrice. "Why?" he asked, with equally honest surprise. Because, seriously…! "In… In case you haven't noticed… I'm a lousy date."

Magnus gave him a small, unguarded smile. And something told him that he saw the real Magnus Bane for the very first time. "Nonsense. You're an excellent date." (Those words made him feel a little too warm and he fidgeted.) "Besides… It's been a while since the last time someone made me laugh like you just did. I'd be a fool to not see this through."

Alec smiled back. And for what was likely the first time in his life he didn't try to cover it up or quell it. To his startle he realized that no one else had ever made him laugh openly before.

Alec wasn't sure when he made the decision to walk Magnus home. Or when Magnus made the decision to let him. Or what madness took over him when they were ten steps away from the dancer's door. It probably had something to do with the unfortunate fact that along with water he'd had several glasses of wine on a mostly empty stomach.

All of a sudden Alec's lips were on Magnus's and they were kissing. It wasn't exactly romantic, more like two wild animals in a heat. His senses were driven wild when the other man's taste filled his mouth and when a pair of hands found their way under the shirt Magnus borrowed him. Caressed his skin in a way that made the former tingle intensify to a burn. Then they were on the dancer's couch and Alec wanted so much that he didn't know what to do with himself.

That was where Magnus brought things to a halt with a gentle hand that pushed him away. "Alexander… I'm flattered by your… interest." The man's gaze strayed towards where Alec's pants were growing uncomfortably tight. "And believe me, I share that interest. But we won't go further than this tonight."

"Why?" Alec demanded, hating how whiney he sounded.

Magnus smiled fondly and kissed him to soothe the sting of rejection. "Because right now, you're not thinking clearly. And no matter how much certain parts of you may… want, you're not ready for this. Not yet. And I won't take advantage of you."

He was probably right. But Alec didn't have to like it. Disappointed and, yet again, frustrated, he pushed himself up. "I… should go home." For some reason he didn't want to.

Magnus nodded, getting up as he did. He didn't say another word until Alec was almost out of the door. "Thank you, for a lovely evening. This was the best 'thank you' I've ever received."

One more time that evening Alec lost control over himself. He dashed back to Magnus and pressed a sloppy, loud and messy kiss to the surprised dancer's lips. The response he received made him leave the apartment with a giddy grin on his face and a blush on his cheeks. (Both of those remained even when he stumbled on the stairs.)

He didn't know that Magnus watched him go through the window, also smiling.

Two days later found Alec freaking out about the whole thing at his therapist Jocelyn. He expected, perhaps even wanted, her to tell him that it was nothing. That he was just a little confused, like with Jace. Instead she smiled knowingly. "When's the next disaster date?"

Alec was even more shocked by his answer. "Next Friday." He wiggled, tapped his foot. "I've… He texted me, and I was supposed to say 'no'." He shook his head. "I have no idea why I didn't."

"Maybe you're trying to be happy", Jocelyn offered.

Alex had no idea what to say to that, or why his mind didn't immediately reject her suggestion. /

/

The afternoon before Magnus's surgery he and Alec bustled around in their kitchen, preparing a light lunch. For a few stolen moments it was deviously easy to imagine that nothing was wrong while the older man provided instructions and the younger apprentice did his best to comply. (Alec had learned a great deal about cooking from Magnus. But while he hadn't given anyone a food poisoning in years he still wasn't allowed to prepare anything more adventurous than a sandwich without supervision.) They talked quietly, even teased each other. It was almost painfully normal. Unfortunately they both knew that the break from reality wouldn't last. Because after agonizing over it for a while they'd decided that it was high time to break the news to Maryse. (She was the one of Alec's parents who wasn't vehemently against their relationship. And Magnus insisted that Alec needed all the support he could get. Besides, the truth was bound to come out sooner or later.) Subtly over a lunch sounded like the most painless way to drop the bomb.

Eventually Magnus decided that the two of them needed a talk, too. "Alec." The use of the shortened name was sure to grab attention. "Whatever happens tomorrow…"

Alec shook his head firmly. He wasn't going to listen to this. Wasn't going to… "Magnus, don't", he snapped. It sounded more wounded than aggressive.

"Just hear me out", Magnus half begged, effectively chasing away all further protests. The man gave him an apologetic look. "I… know that this, us… It hasn't been an easy journey. Thank you, for staying with me. For choosing me. For never ceasing to amaze me."

Alec met his boyfriend's eyes with such intensity that it seemed to take the older man's breath away for a moment. (He felt incredibly proud of still being able to elicit such a response, after years of being together.) "I'm not going anywhere."

He could tell how badly Magnus would've wanted to promise the same. But the dancer had never given him empty promises and couldn't bring himself to start now. No matter how badly Alec would've needed to hear those words.

Instead Magnus pulled him to the kind of a kiss they'd never shared before, and it spoke all the words they weren't quite able to say.

Then the doorbell rang. They tightened their hold on each other. "Are you ready?" Alec whispered.

Magnus scoffed. "No. You?"

Alec gulped hard and buried his face in his boyfriend's shoulder. Fought to anchor himself on something precious, familiar and safe. "No." He wasn't and never would be ready for any of this.

The lunch was actually quite lovely. The days when Maryse couldn't stand even hearing Magnus's name were far in the past, like in another life. (Time and Magnus's charm had worked their magic.) But she wasn't a blind fool. Eventually she couldn't keep quiet any longer. "So. You're both barely touching your food. And I see those looks you keep giving each other." She frowned with the genuine worry of a mother, her gaze going from one man to another. "What's wrong?"

Just like they'd planned to, they told her everything, one taking over when the other's voice cracked. And she listened, her eyes widening and filling with sorrow when they got to the worst part. Once the whole tale was out she engulfed her son to a tight, tender embrace. "I'm so sorry", she murmured, audibly saddened. "Remember that I'm always here. Whatever you need."

Alec could only nod, because uttering even a single syllable would've reduced him to a sobbing mess.

And then, to both men's shock, she hugged Magnus every bit as intensely as she did her son. "I… had my prejudices. For a long time. But… I know now that you're the best thing that's ever happened to Alec. So…" She swallowed thickly. "Remember that I'm here for you, too. Whatever you need."

Magnus was a little tense at first, not having grown used to motherly affection. The dancer then nodded and returned the embrace. And for a few moments everything felt incredibly right, before the dawning of a horrible day.

/

The following day was far more beautiful and sunnier than it had any right to be. If someone would've asked Alec later how the two of them got to the hospital, he would've had no idea. He did his best to keep a brave face for his boyfriend's sake. But by the time they walked to the preop ward he was squeezing the older man's hand like it was a lifeline.

A young nurse who smiled infuriatingly brightly asked about a million questions. She then proceeded to take Magnus's blood pressure and weight. (Alec was dismayed to learn that in the span of just days his boyfriend had already lost some of the weight he didn't have too much of to begin with.) And then, far before Alec had mentally braced himself for it, he was being ushered out of the room.

The nurse gave him a smile of understanding when she noticed his quite obvious distress. "Don't worry, we'll take a good care of him." (He wanted to spit back that they'd better, because they had his whole world in their hands, but didn't.)

Dragging his heavy feet towards where he assumed a waiting room to be, Alec tried to remember if he gave Magnus a kiss before leaving the room. He hoped he did, although displays of affection while someone was there to see still made him feel uncomfortable sometimes. He wanted to believe that he didn't forget that kiss.

"Alec!" He was alarmed by the nurse's voice. The dread grew when he saw the look on her face. (Something couldn't have gone wrong yet, right?) "Can you… come back, for a moment? I think he needs you."

Alec didn't need a word more of convincing after that. By the time he entered the room he just left Magnus was already rolling his eyes at the fuss and putting on his best 'I'm fine, honestly' act. "I'm sorry. I told her that she didn't have to…"

"Hey." Alec shook his head and frowned, studying his boyfriend. "What is it?"

Magnus huffed, visibly embarrassed, something Alec had only seen once or twice before. It was his turn to shake his head. "It's… foolish."

"I need to shave his hair for the surgery", the nurse jumped in when it became apparent that her uneasy patient wouldn't get the words out. "I'd only need to remove a part of it, but he told me to get rid of it all."

Magnus shrugged but it didn't come out as nonchalant as he was aiming for. "I rather lose it all than walk around with a massive bald patch." He wrinkled his nose. "I'd like to think that I'm too young for the male pattern baldness look."

After years of knowing Magnus Alec understood with practiced ease. His boyfriend had handled his diagnosis astonishingly bravely. Soldiered through the symptoms like a champion. But telling their friends a few days ago and later his mother had been excruciatingly hard, Alec could easily see it. Now, with the hair gone… The illness would be visible for the whole world to see. And Magnus loathed appearing vulnerable. Detested the thought of people looking at him and thinking about him differently.

So Alec understood what he was needed for. He was a distraction. While the nurse started to work on his boyfriend's hair he sat down and took Magnus's hand to give it a gentle rub. It was bizarre to see the limb with no rings or nail polish. "It's the anniversary of our first date", he revealed. To avoid thinking about the surgery he'd spent the sleepless hours of the night before trying to figure out what else he could remember the date for. Until he went to get a glass of water and saw the same couch to which they fell that night, years ago.

Magnus blinked with surprise. "Oh…" A fond smile appeared and lit up the dancer's exhausted face. "You're right, it is."

Alec grimaced at the memories. (As well as at the clumps of hair falling to the floor like autumn leaves.) The spilled drink… The awkwardness… "It's gotta be the worst date you've ever been dragged to."

"Nonsense", Magnus disagreed. It was like an echo of that evening. "You were charming. Letting you walk away after was one of the hardest things I've ever done."

Alec couldn't help but smile.

They got so lost into the memories that they almost forgot about the depressing present time. Until the nurse spoke up. "Okay. All done."

Magnus tensed up after a shudder, then swallowed thickly. Clearly being pulled back to the reality caused quite the whiplash. (Alec himself felt something similar.) The dancer's gaze fell to the floor before rising to meet his, slowly, hesitantly. "How bad does it look?"

It was incredibly hard to see Magnus without his trademark hair and dressed in hospital clothes. Then Alec looked past that. At the face that despite traces of fatigue and illness seemed incredibly young and innocent without all the usual makeup as a warpaint. He found even the thought disgustingly clichéd and corny. But in that moment he loved Magnus more than ever before. He was fairly sure that the smile appearing to his face without invitation conveyed as much. He caressed his boyfriend's cheek with a tender hand. "You're beautiful."

Even after all the years they'd been together, rendering Magnus flushed always gave him a splash of warmth. Even on that absolutely awful day. The older man rolled his eyes to cover up how touched he was. "I'll have to ask someone far more objective."

A second, then another ticked by while Alec gave Magnus a kiss. The moment of comfort drifted away like smoke when they realized that it was time. The nurse moved like she was about to take the dancer away, towards the operating theater, and panic grabbed a chokehold of Alec. He squeezed his boyfriend's hand frantically, his heart racing a million miles per hour. All the possible complications he'd read about spun in his head on a constant, merciless loop. Fed him with worst case scenarios.

Magnus was clearly scared as well. But did a remarkably better job at handling it. "I'll… see you later."

Alec gulped. He wanted to kiss Magnus again, so badly it hurt, but refused to do so. It would've felt too much like saying goodbye. "See you later", he managed hoarsely.

They came to a silent agreement to leave the room together. (Neither wanted to leave the other there alone.) The nurse clearly understood how painful the moment was because she made no attempt to chitchat. At the hallway Magnus was taken right, Alec headed left. He refused to look back, because seeing his boyfriend disappear through those terrifying, massive doors would've shattered what little hold he had of himself.

Alec had to ask altogether five people where the waiting room was because he forgot what he was told every few seconds. Once he finally made it there Alec froze. Apparently he wouldn't have to wait all alone. Clary and Izzy sat there, holding hands for support, while Jace and Simon paced. They all looked like they'd slept about as poorly as he did the night before. "What… are you guys doing here?" Didn't anyone have to go to work?

Jace gave him a sad little smile. "Magnus sent a message yesterday. Told us that… today's the day, and asked if we could keep you company."

And here Alec imagined that they agreed to only tell everyone once the surgery was over, to keep their friends from panicking and overreacting… Irritation rose, until Izzy was hugging him. "So, here we are", she whispered in his ear.

It wasn't often Alec got emotional. But at that very moment it took all his willpower to keep tears at bay while he held on to his sister for dear life. "Thank you."

Jace and Clary hugged him as well. Simon gave him a hilariously awkward pat on the back before starting to ramble about some TV-show none of them had ever watched. It was an obvious attempt to distract them all from what was going on. It almost worked.

Alec couldn't stop sneaking longing glances towards the room's door.

/

Hours upon hours passed by. Eventually Izzy had to leave when a work-related emergency came calling. She hugged him once more before going and made him swear that he'd let her know as soon as there were news. The endlessly long day began to turn towards an evening. Simon fell asleep, and Clary announced that she'd get them all food although none of them was particularly hungry.

By then Alec could barely tear his eyes away from the room's door.

A gentle hand nudged at his shoulder. "Alec." Jace did his best to offer a supportive smile, but they both knew that the blond couldn't even begin to imagine what he was going through. "You know how stubborn he is. And for you he'll fight tooth and nail to get better. He'll be okay."

Alec looked away, feeling like he'd been torn to tiny little pieces. "He… He has to be. Because… Because I'm not ready to… I can't…" He couldn't push out the words he couldn't bear even thinking about.

Jace understood, anyway. And wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Alec drew every little bit of comfort he could from the gesture.

They were still like that when Dr. Cooper finally appeared. Alec searched anxiously for a smile, or any sign of relief. Instead he found sorrow and frustration.

All breath sucked out of his lungs, Alec got up to a pair of dangerously unsteady feet and braced himself for facing the end of his world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, ah… Yeah. How badly do you want my head right now? (winces) Poor boys! Trying to be so brave. We'll see just how devastating things will get… (gulps)  
> SOOOO… Thoughts? Comments? Rants…? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: We find out how Magnus met parents Lightwood for the first time. (Spoiler: it didn't end well for Malec.) In present time Alec struggles to deal with another blow from fate.
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that you'll join me and the boys (well, let's hope dearly that it's still a plural…!) for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	4. How to Have and to Hold, Until…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec struggles to cope with the aftermath of Magnus's surgery. In the flashback his parents find out about Magnus and it leads to a difficult decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty early, actually. But I decided to update already. Yay? Anyone excited?
> 
> Thank you, so much, for all the love and affection you've given this story! As you can imagine, this isn't always the easiest story to type. So your support means A LOT! (HUGS)
> 
> Akway, before I get all sappy… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.

/ Their second date went far more smoothly than the first and eventually led to a sixth one. Alec was astonished and touched by how acceptive Magnus was of the snail's pace he needed. After a couple of misread signals the dancer took the hint and didn't show any signs of affection in public, didn't even try to hold his hand. (Alec kept telling himself that he'd be ready, soon, soon, soon…) Alec felt far more frustrated than he had any right to when the carefulness was extended to when they were alone in the older man's home. After months kisses were still all Alec got. On date six Alec decided that it was finally time to move on to the… next step. Which started with introducing Magnus to his home, as small and unimpressive as the dorm he shared with a guy named Jordan was. Especially in comparison to the dancer's own apartment.

Magnus, however, looked around his tiny, military clean room fondly. One corner of Alec's lips twitched. "So… You approve?"

Magnus seemed surprised by his question. "Of course I do. This is yours." The man tilted his head and took a sip of the embarrassingly cheap wine he gave the man upon arrival. (The dancer shivered but had the decency to not spit it back or grimace.) He picked up one of Alec's many schoolbooks. "This… isn't you. I'm sorry, but… You just don't seem like the law-student type."

That… kind of, sort of dampened Alec's mood. He looked away, towards the pile of books on his desk. It was infuriating that a man he'd dated for less than three months understood something his own parents didn't. "It… was my father's idea. He wants me to start working for his company."

Magnus mused for a moment. Obviously catching something. "And what do you want?"

The answer was the same Alec always seemed to have for the big questions. He had absolutely no idea. "Right now? I want a kiss."

Magnus was giving him just that when the room's door was thrown open. Alec's parents stood there, soon accompanied by a panting Jordan. "… sorry … slipped in when I came back…"

That was how Maryse and Robert Lightwood met Magnus Bane for the first time. His hands were under their son's shirt. The bulging in both their pants told what they were hoping to do next. It was so absurdly horrific that it was funny.

Or no, it wasn't. Because the parents were glaring at their son, and Alec felt his heart thundering and breaking in his chest. This… Their judgement, their disgust, their disappointment… They made all the self-hatred he'd wrestled with since he was a child come rushing back. Made the progress he'd made with Jocelyn, and Magnus, crumple to pieces.

"You clearly forgot about the dinner you were supposed to have with us. Among other things." His father shook his head, like trying to convince himself that the sight in front of him wasn't real. "I don't know what this is all about. But you are sending… him out of here right now. Because we're about to have a conversation that's meant for family alone."

Magnus took a protective step closer to him. (It was the first time Alec saw him angry, not that he would've recognized the emotion at the time.) "He's not one of your employees yet, so don't talk to him like he's one. He's your son", the dancer pointed out sharply. "And I won't go anywhere unless he tells me to."

Alec couldn't handle this. Couldn't stand being the toy-rope that was tugged between a dog and its owner. "Magnus…" He felt choked but this time it wasn't the good kind of breathlessness. "Go."

Magnus tensed up and looked at him. For second, just one, it was easy to see that he was hurt. "Are you sure that it's what you want?"

I DON'T KNOW!, Alec's mind screamed. Which wasn't what his mouth growled when the stress and shame sharpened his tongue. "Just leave." Funny. It took only two words to destroy whatever shot at happiness he might've had.

Magnus nodded, his expression unreadable. And did as he'd been told. Every move graceful even in the face of defeat, the dancer walked past his parents, who seemed as smug and relieved as they were furious. Then closed the door softly.

Alec was miserably aware that he just sent away the only person in the room who cared about what he wanted. /

/

It wasn't quite the end of Alec's world. But the news also didn't hurt much less. His head spun hazardously while Dr. Cooper delivered his report.

Apparently the tumor was at a even trickier spot than they'd anticipated, which was why the surgery took so long. The tumor was also far bigger than expected. And they weren't successful in removing all of it.

Inoperable.

Dr. Cooper explained that chemo would be the next step, after Magnus had recovered a little from the surgery. They also had to wait and see the biopsy results to know what they were dealing with. Then, once the tumor had hopefully shrunk enough, they'd try to remove it again. The doctor attempted to sound optimistic but Alec could read between the lines, despite the state of chaos his mind was in.

The prognosis had gone from bad to worse.

"Alec?" It sounded like the doctor had been calling his name several times over. The man studied him with a frown. "I… understand that this isn't the outcome you were hoping for. If you feel like you need to talk to someone…"

Alec shook his head firmly. The only person he wanted to talk to was Magnus. "Can I go see him?"

"A nurse will come and get you as soon as Magnus has been settled to a room and is ready for visitors. Last time I saw him, he was already starting to wake up and asking for you. So it shouldn't take long." Dr. Cooper did his best to seem comforting. "Try not to think ten steps ahead. Magnus mentioned that it's something you tend to do."

Alec nodded stiffly, feeling so much all at once that none of it registered properly.

Just then Dr. Cooper's pager went off. The doctor gave it a look and sighed. "I'll stop by as soon as I can, to see how you're both doing. If either of you needs someone to talk to, just let any member of staff know."

Alec nodded numbly, his mind so tuned out that he barely heard the words. When Jace pulled him to a supportive hug he was in too much of a shock to even cry or feel pain. He just stood there shaking.

If someone was planning on waking him up from this nightmare, it couldn't happen soon enough.

/

No one woke him up. Two and a half more hours dragged by. Then a nurse finally came to get him.

Alec felt cautious and hesitant when he entered the dimly lit room where Magnus was resting, curled up to his side with his face towards the door and one hand resting on his stomach. Usually Alec associated hospitals with white color and painfully bright lights, but the staff must've decided to have some mercy on his boyfriend's aching head. Alec swallowed with difficulty and stood two steps from the room's doorway, eyes on the figure lay in the bed.

Magnus's head was bandaged. Wires connected him to what seemed to be fluids and medication. A metallic bowl had been left at arm's reach, and a stench in the air revealed that the dancer had been sick not too long ago.

Magnus's eyes were closed and Alec imagined that he was sleeping. Until eyelashes fluttered before cracking open to reveal pair of dazed and pained dark eyes. Some of the confusion faded and the older man tried valiantly to smile upon recognizing him. "Hey." Magnus couldn't quite cover up a grimace at how badly even the barely audible whisper hurt. "… 'doing 're? … been hours …"

Alec stared in open disbelief. "Did you really think that I was gonna leave?" Still cautious, he finally closed the distance between himself and the bed. He wanted to hold his boyfriend, needed some form of physical contact to ground his terrified mind that was jumping from one scary thought to another. But Magnus seemed so sick, agonized and fragile that he feared he'd break something if he so much as touched him. His eyes darted across the other's face, finally settling on the eyes that barely stayed open. "Try to sleep, yeah? I'm not going anywhere." And neither are you, not now, not yet.

Magnus, however, didn't seem ready to rest just yet. It was easy to see how much the older man struggled to straighten his thoughts and words. The look that was eventually aimed his way was full of sorrow. "… didn't get it all out, huh? … remember … 'ying something…"

Alec gulped and blinked furiously to keep his nearly spilling tears at bay. He really didn't want to go through this talk right now. Or ever. "They didn't", he admitted reluctantly. "This means that we'll just have to fight a little harder, and longer."

Again Magnus attempted to smile and nodded. But his gaze fell quickly, revealing traces of fear and disappointment. They'd both hoped that this surgery would be enough, and now…

Finally finding enough courage for it, Alec brushed Magnus's face with his hand. The older man sighed happily and leaned against the touch. Suddenly holding back the tears was even more of a challenge than before. "Sleep." Alec was about to break down, and he didn't want his boyfriend to see it, not in that condition. "Everything's going to work out, I promise."

It looked like Magnus wanted to say something more. But in the end the dancer ran out of stamina. Once Magnus drifted off Alec unleashed a choked gasp, the first tears filling his eyes immediately. His hand continued to caress the other's cheek while he watched his boyfriend breathing.

Maybe they lost this battle. But the war was far from over. Alec refused to let it be over.

/

It was a long night. Magnus tried to sleep but woke up several times each hour to throw up. Eventually the dancer was so exhausted and in so much pain that he couldn't keep himself from whimpering while he trembled. Medication didn't seem to make any difference.

A nurse explained that it was Magnus's body reacting to the medication used during the operation. The explanation didn't comfort Alec. He didn't care what caused the violent symptoms. He wanted them to stop, because they seemed to be more than Magnus could take. And what if the medical professionals were wrong? What if they broke something while poking at his boyfriend's brain?

It wasn't until late in the following afternoon Magnus began to feel remotely better. As soon as he was able to the older man sat up, even if it seemed to make the headache and nausea escalate again. Alec would've tried to stop him if it would've been any use. Most of the day a thoughtful silence, heavy but not uncomfortable, lingered in the room.

Eventually several sleepless nights began to take their toll. Magnus was bound to notice when Alec started nodding off sitting up. "Alexander." The older man gave him one of those looks that were impossible to resist. "Go home and get some proper rest. One of us needs to."

Alec frowned. Even the thought of leaving, no matter how briefly… "I'll be fine. I'll just…"

Magnus silenced him with a kiss. "Do it for me." (Now that was just playing unfairly…) The dancer caressed his face to make up for the dirty move. "And remember what they said? If I feel this good tomorrow, they'll let me go home. It's just this one night."

Alec gulped and leaned his head against the other's shoulder. "I don't want to leave." It sounded uncomfortably lot like a whimper.

Magnus combed a hand through his hair. "You're not leaving me. I'm kicking you out, for both our sakes. How am I supposed to relax when I can see that you're wearing yourself down?" A kiss was planted to the side of his head. "Promise me that you'll try to get some proper sleep tonight. At home. And I'll promise to do everything in my power to go home with you tomorrow."

That… actually sounded like an acceptable deal. If Alec didn't count in the part of him having to spend the night away. So he nodded.

Two hours later found Alec standing in the middle of their living room. Every single item was in the same place as always. Everything was the same. But he could feel, with every cell of his body, that something was missing. It didn't feel like he was home.

Alec couldn't even think about trying to sleep in their bed. He avoided looking towards it when he stopped by in the bedroom to get something. After finding what he'd been looking for he settled down to the couch, clutching at the item he fetched tightly. It was one of Magnus's shirts, and he inhaled the older man's scent while closing his eyes.

It was only due to sheer exhaustion the two of them were able to sleep without each other, curled up to the positions they usually had when they shared a bed.

/

Before they were allowed to head home together Magnus was given the appointment for his first chemo treatment. The dancer frowned and shook his head at the first suggested date. "Can you push it a couple of days forward?"

Alec stared at his boyfriend in utter disbelief. The last thing to do was postponing life-saving treatment! "Magnus, you can't be serious…!"

The look aimed his way cut the objection short as effectively as the words. "Alec, it's… It'd be the day before Clary and Jace get married."

Alec realized immediately. And kicked himself for forgetting. Just, with everything that was going on lately, and lack of sleep… It was hard to remember that good stuff was about to happen, too. And he could understand Magnus wanting to celebrate without having to suffer from whatever side-effects chemo might have.

The woman giving the appointments didn't seem as understanding. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Fine. It can be arranged on Monday instead of Friday. Would that work out better?" She made it sound like rescheduling was the most demanding task in the whole world, while talking to a cancer patient with a surgical wound on his head. (Alec was normally strongly against physical violence towards women, but…)

"Yes, much better." Magnus's smile was the kind the man aimed at people he didn't like very much. "Now, if it's not too much trouble… Could you tell me where the nearest toilet is, so I can go throw up there instead of here?"

Alec found the woman's scandalized, disgusted expression far more amusing than it really was. "Take the stairs outside the office down. It's the second door to the left."

Magnus's smile didn't become any less passive aggressive. "Thank you." The dancer kissed Alec's cheek. "Let's go, darling. We're done here."

The woman looked like she wanted to throw up. And Alec finally realized what her real problem with Magnus was. He couldn't believe that there was a time when he cared about the opinions of those like her.

They burst into giggles when they reached the stairs. Alec shook his head. "That was…"

"… childish, I know. I'm… sorry. I couldn't resist." Magnus didn't seem very sorry.

"I think it was satisfying", Alec admitted, still grinning.

Despite definitely feeling miserable Magnus gave him a look that was, without a doubt, such of a man in love. "You continue to surprise me, Alexander."

/

It was raining heavily on the day of Jace and Clary's wedding. Fortunately the couple was too happy and jittery to even notice. After Jace had begged Alec about fifty times to make sure Clary was okay he finally relented. He entered the room just in time to see Magnus finishing lacing her dress. "… stop worrying, Biscuit. You look stunning."

And she was did. Fried nerves had given some color to her cheeks. And the dress, one Magnus had helped choose, was absolutely amazing. The most beautiful bit, however, was how her eyes shone. Once upon a time Alec wasn't far from actually hating her because of jealousy. Now he smiled warmly and genuinely. "You should listen to him, you know", he pointed out. "He's right annoyingly often."

Clary smiled back at him.

"I'm always right", Magnus argued lovingly and stepped closer. Alec's heart skipped a beat when long, gentle fingers began to work on his tie. The dancer shook his head. "All these years, and I still haven't managed to teach you how to do this properly…"

Alec shrugged. "Why should I learn to do it myself when I can have this instead?"

His cheeky response was rewarded with a kiss.

Once the tie was up to Magnus's high standards Clary spoke up. "How's Jace? Is he okay?"

"Not any closer to having a panic attack than you are." Alec scoffed. "You two should just relax. I haven't seen any other couple that's so disgustingly in love."

"I have", Clary argued with a warm look.

Alec… had no response to that. Magnus squeezed his hand, and he returned the gesture. He might've leaned in for a second kiss if the room's door wasn't thrown open just then. Tension filled his body when he turned his gaze to find his father.

While his mother warmed up to Magnus eventually his father did no such thing. (Which was hypocritical, in Alec's opinion, of a man who cheated on his wife.) Clary, an artist, wasn't high on his father's list of desired candidates for his children. But the man had never forgiven Magnus for supposedly leading his only biological son to a preposterous relationship and to a career that wasn't the one Alec's parents chose for him. Even now Robert glanced pointedly towards the glass Magnus had just managed to grab before the man marched in. "Water?"

Magnus smiled coolly. "I aim to surprise and confuse people from time to time. It keeps things interesting."

Magnus had made it adamantly clear, years ago, that he wanted to fight his own battles. But Alec refused to stand back when stress was the last thing his boyfriend needed. He regretted not telling his father about the cancer before today. It was just that for a while now every single one of their talks had ended in a fight. He hadn't had the strength to face one of those. "Did you want something?"

Robert's attention was on Clary. "The minister wants to speed things up. You have five minutes." The man turned to leave and Alec made the mistake of relaxing, before his father turned back to deliver a one more blow. "And Magnus? Take off that hat. This is a church, not your club."

There was a time when Alec considered his father as a role model. When he aspired to become just like Robert, sought the man's approval desperately. Now…

He never had the time to snarl any of the venomous things on his tongue. Magnus gave him and Clary an apologetic look, then took off his black hat. To reveal his shaved head and the bandaged, still healing wound.

Under any other circumstances the look that appeared to Robert's face would've been hilarious. The man gasped and blanched, eyes widening to what should've been an impossible size. "What…?"

Magnus shook his head fiercely while putting the hat back on. "That's not a talk for today. Today is your son's day, and Clarissa's day. Focus on them and be happy for them."

Robert nodded uncharacteristically humbly. The man opened his mouth once more. Then slipped out of the room as quickly as possible.

Alec ran a comforting hand down Magnus's arm. He felt shaken and could only imagine what was going through his boyfriend's head. "Are you okay?"

Magnus nodded. And seemed to mean it. "Now get to Jace before he starts to hyperventilate. We have a wedding the celebrate, and you know how much I love weddings."

Alec smiled, because he did know. He could berate his father later. Magnus was right, this day was supposed to be about Jace and Clary. He surprised all three of them with giving Clary's cheek a kiss before he headed back to his brother.

Minutes later he stood behind Jace and Magnus stood behind Clary while the sort-of-siblings fate led to them swore eternal love to one another. The soon to be married couple was clearly so in love that it radiated from them in waves. Alec couldn't stop smiling when he felt his brother's happiness like his own.

"… in sickness and in health …"

Alec felt a sudden, violent shiver when those words hit him. Not really thinking about doing so, he shifted his gaze to find Magnus looking back at him. Both their eyes softened.

"… until death do us part …"

Alec… had forgotten about that part of the traditional vows. He had to blink rapidly when his eyes blurred, and behind Clary Magnus did something similar. This time the look they gave each other was a sad one.

No. Just… No. Alec wasn't about to let his thoughts go there. Especially on a day of love and joy.

Yet those words continued to echo in his head. Even while they danced slowly, after Magnus had assured a million times that he could handle it. Even while they kissed.

Alec tightened his hold on Magnus and swore to himself solemnly that he'd keep holding on for as long as he could.

"You taste like wine and cake." Magnus's nose wrinkled in an absolutely endearing way. "I hate that combination. Especially when I can't have any wine."

Alec shrugged. And gave his boyfriend's lips a peck, just to tease him. "And you still taste like a mixture of mint and medicine."

Magnus smiled back. Obviously relieved that he was able to crack something like a joke about that subject. "Well. In that case we can only taste bad together."

Alec's hold tightened still.

/ "… until death do us part …" /

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats, Clace! (smiles) As for Malec… Oh dear…! (whimpers) They're fighting through this nightmare, but is it enough?
> 
> SOOOO… The word's yours! Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> ABOUT FUTURE UPDATES… How would you feel about twice a week schedule? (Updates on Wednesdays and Saturdays or Sundays.) Or is that too fast…?
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: In the past Alec finally decides that it's time to listen to his heart and fight for Magnus. In the present chemo hits hard. But does it have the desired effect?
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that you'll all stay tuned for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	5. How the Real Battle Started (as Did Losing)…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past Alec finally decides to fight for his relationship with Magnus. In present time they put their all into fighting together when Magnus's chemo begins and hits hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's updating time! (grins) Good news for you guys, I hope. Bad news for Malec… (winces)
> 
> THANK YOU, for all your support and adoration, and ESPECIALLY for the AMAZING comments! They mean THE WORLD to me. (HUGS) I REALLY hope that you'll all stick around until the (hopefully NOT bitter) end.
> 
> SO… Are you sure you're ready…? Because it's time to get going – and it's going to be ROUGH… (gulps)

/ The next two weeks were some of the longest in Alec's life. He couldn't forget the look on Magnus's face when he told the dancer to leave. It didn't make things any less frustrating that his parents refused to talk about the whole thing. It was like they'd decided that if they didn't mention their son's sexual orientation it didn't exist to tarnish their family's reputation. The worst was that after four unanswered messages and ten unanswered calls Magnus stopped trying to contact him.

'Do you want to talk?'

'They're your parents, don't underestimate their love.'

'Are you alright?'

'I'll stop harassing you. Just know that I'm here if you need me. Or a drink.'

Alec wasn't okay. He was aching and more frustrated than ever before in his life. Because turning his back on his urges was infinitely harder when he'd had a taste of how good his life could be. When he finally knew that he had the chance to get what he wanted, if he dared to try.

Then, one rainy evening after weeks of heavy tension in his parents' house Alec imagined was caused by him, he found out that his father had been cheating on his mother. That his father was in love with someone else and pursued it behind his mother's back for almost a year. Everything Alec thought he knew about what relationships were supposed to be like, honor, responsibilities and doing the right thing shattered.

Alec wanted to contact Magnus. So badly that it threatened to drive him insane. Instead he went to Izzy and let her hug him. She knew what he was really after without him having to voice it. "Since you're wondering… Magnus traveled to London last week. But he'll be back in a few days."

Alec swallowed although his throat was painfully dry. "So?" He didn't succeed in sounding like he didn't care. At all.

"So…" Izzy shrugged, irritated and amused. "He asked about you, until he stopped. I'm pretty sure he stopped because thinking about you hurts too much." When he offered no other response but tensing up, she went on. "Alec, he misses you as much as you miss him. What does that tell you?"

It told Alec to finally get a hold of himself and make his way to the airport.

Izzy's phenomenal interrogation and investigation skills had fished out which flight Magnus would be returning with. (Alec couldn't understand why she chose to pursue becoming a coroner instead of a detective.) Alec was at the airport two hours early, which gave him far too much time to freak out and he almost talked himself out of the whole thing.

Alec was already about to dash away when people from Magnus's flight began to flood to the arrivals area. It didn't take very long to spot the dancer and Alec smiled instinctively, even took a step forward. Until he froze, all warmth and joy fading away.

Because Magnus wasn't alone. Leaning against him was a strikingly beautiful brunette in a tight red dress. The look she darted towards the man wasn't exactly coy before she claimed his lips.

Usually that would've been the part of a romantic movie where one of the main-couple gets the wrong idea and storms off in utter misery. Alec was about to do just that. But it wasn't like in a romantic movie, he'd never even watched one. And on his way out he did something people usually forget to do in those flicks.

He stopped and looked back.

To see Magnus recoil from the woman's lips with an expression of vague disgust. To see absolutely no response to her lust. The dancer was saying something Alec couldn't hear while distancing himself from the woman further. She walked away with a roll of eyes.

And Alec did something he'd only started doing since meeting Magnus – he lifted his chin proudly and followed his gut.

Later, Alec had hard time believing it was him marching towards Magnus. The look of surprise, uncertainty and delight on the older man's face only added fuel to his fire. And before he could overthink it, he slammed his lips against Magnus's. Kissed him in public for the very first time.

Izzy knew about Alec's sexual orientation long before he was ready to admit it to himself, so he never had to come out to her. His parents getting an eyeful of who and what their son really was happened by accident. This… This was Alec finally coming out to himself. This was his decision. This was him knowing what he wanted for the first time in his life.

Suddenly Magnus was pushing him further with a gentle but insistent hand. And Alec felt a jolt of terror when his brain stopped whirring long enough to ask a question he'd somehow completely and utterly forgotten. What if Magnus didn't want this? What if this… time apart had convinced the dancer that Alec just wasn't worth the trouble and heartache?

Alec waited, mute from sheer horror, while Magnus gathered his breath and words. "Well… That was…" The man shook his head as though it was spinning. "You continue to surprise me."

Alec dared to smile, just a little bit. His heart thundered from a hazardous amount of hope. "In good ways, I hope."

Magnus's smile vanished and eyebrow bounced up. "That depends. Are you going to tell me to walk out of your life the next time someone asks you to?"

It was easy to see how important it was to answer correctly. This time Alec refused to fail. "Never again", he declared firmly. Shocking even himself. "Because no one has the right to make… those decisions for me. And… And that includes my parents. I get that now. They love me, no matter what. Even when they don't want to. But you…" He squeezed Magnus's shoulder. "I don't want to lose you."

One corner of Magnus's lips twitched. (He counted that a win.) "In that case… You need to promise me something." The dancer took a deep breath, alarmingly serious all of a sudden. "If we pursue… whatever it is between us… I'm sure you understand that there'll always be people who have a lot of opinions. And relationships… They take effort. We'll face rough times and things will get crazy. When that happens… Promise me that you won't push me away."

It wasn't an easy thing to promise. Alec had spent his whole life in a closet. He'd always bottled up his emotions or exploded in the face of things and feelings that overwhelmed him. It was so instinctive that he wasn't entirely sure how to learn out of it. But… "I'll try", he swore. If Magnus wasn't worth trying for, then who was?

Magnus considered. Then nodded, very slowly, dark eyes softening. When his hand grabbed Alec's, the younger man had a feeling that he squeezed it painfully tightly.

"And that… That really slow pace at which we've moved forward…" Alec felt his cheeks color while he sputtered forward. "I'll… try to work on that, too." Over the past couple of weeks he'd had far too much time to agonize over the things he might never get to do with Magnus. He'd be damned if he let all that slip through his fingers, now that he was by some miracle granted a second chance.

To his surprise, and joy, Magnus laughed. "There's no need to rush into things. Besides, you just kissed me in the middle of an airport." While before the most adventurous thing they'd done in public was Alec squeezing the dancer's hand. "I'd say that it's a good start, Alexander." The man said his name like he'd longed to voice it. (Well, Alec had also yearned hearing him say it.)

Alec started to laugh as well, the sound bubbling out easily now that the weight that'd been sitting on his chest was removed. Magnus responded in kind, and it was just like their first disastrous date at that restaurant. The thought made Alec want to kiss Magnus all over again. So he did. /

/

Magnus's first chemo day came far faster than he and Alec were ready for it. (Then again, was it possible to be ready for something like that?) Magnus's oncologist had done her best to brace them for the whole thing. Still it came as an unpleasant, alarming surprise how many tests and precautions preparing for the treatment required. (What were they getting into?) At the start of the actual event they were both tense while a chirpy nurse had them settled to a calm and quiet corner. She explained what she was doing every step of the way but Alec's mind muted her.

He stared at the gloves she wore while hooking Magnus to the poison that might or might not save him, and felt sick upon realizing just how hazardous the substance was. To distract himself from it he looked around, which turned out to be a tragic mistake. It was disheartening to discover how young Magnus was in comparison to the other patients present. Somehow it made the injustice of it all feel even worse.

It was silence that pulled him from those thoughts. He looked towards Magnus. His boyfriend looked like he usually did while meditating. The only difference was that his eyes were open and stared at some unknown spot. The slight frown of hard-fought concentration was also new.

"Hey." Alec's voice seemed to drag Magnus back to focus. "Where did you go?"

Magnus's smile wasn't exactly a radiant one. But it was genuine. "I… was thinking about that day when you came to the airport to see me." The man's gaze strayed downwards. "You were wearing that same shirt then. It's one of my favorites." Especially because of the sweet memory attached to it. (Which was one of both their favorites, too.)

Until that moment Alec hadn't noticed just how helpless he'd felt since cancer took over their lives. Now… He realized that perhaps he was good for something, after all. Because if just a memory of him was enough to anchor and comfort Magnus in a moment like this, he couldn't be completely useless.

Full of new, possibly fleeting confidence Alec kissed Magnus's cheek. "Since we'll be here for a while… I thought we should have something to spend the time with." He revealed a deck of cards. "Are you up for the challenge?"

Magnus's eyebrow arched. Mirth lit up the man's tired dark eyes. "Only if you're ready to lose." Their competitive natures had always been one of the things they had in common.

For some hours of bliss Alec was able to convince himself that they'd make it through this.

Until the full impact of the poisonous treatment hit Magnus. Brutally, mercilessly. Through the worst of the worst Magnus was so pained and uncomfortable that he couldn't stand even the gentlest of touches. So all Alec could do was sit beside his boyfriend, hoping and praying that it'd be over soon.

It was the worst kind of helplessness. Not being able to do anything while the love of his life suffered. Wondering against his will if the only thing that could save Magnus would end up tearing him apart first.

/

As a school teacher Alec had the whole summer off. But autumn and returning to work were upon them entirely too quickly. The thought of having to leave Magnus alone for hours haunted Alec, left him tense and edgy.

What if…? What if…? What if…?

One evening shortly after the harrowing aftermath of chemo treatment two he was in the middle of those thoughts. Magnus watched him while they were both supposed to focus on a movie. The older man then came to a decision. "Alexander… When's the last time you had a night out?"

Alec jumped. "What?"

Magnus gave him a sad smile. "I appreciate how you've been standing by me… through all this. It means more to me than I can ever say. But… Lately, you've spent more time being my nurse than my boyfriend."

"Hey!" Alec brushed the other's cheek with a tender hand. "What are you saying? I couldn't even imagine doing anything else."

"I know. But I can." Magnus sighed and looked away. "Alec… I love you. And I want you to have better than… this. At least for one night." Before he could voice his vehement protests the man went on. "For both our sakes." (That, was playing unfair, because how was Alec supposed to counter that?) Magnus did his best to smile, and it came out convincing enough to soothe him. "You have to get used to being apart from me again eventually, before the schools start. And I want to see that you still remember how to enjoy life, that me getting sick hasn't destroyed that for you. I want you to remember that I'm not the only person you care about and want to spend time with. I need to know that I'm not the only thing you can think about."

"But you are", Alec argued, his eyes on Magnus's lips.

Magnus consented to a brief kiss but wasn't done persuading him yet. "You love your job. Don't you dare feel bad about getting back to it because of me." The dancer pursed his lips. "We always celebrate the start of a schoolyear around this time of the year. You shouldn't skip that."

"But…"

Magnus's expression announced that the man wasn't about to relent. "I'm not nauseous or in a lot of pain today." (It was sad, really, that a day with pain at four on the scale from one to ten was a good day.) "I'm just tired and I think I'll spend the whole evening and night sleeping. Entertain yourself with something better than watching that." When Alec still remained resistant the older man went on. "Remember what Isabelle and I have been trying to teach you? It's okay to put your own needs first on occasion. And I can tell that you need a break."

In the end Alec did go out. Because saying 'no' to Magnus had become impossible over the years. Izzy was on board the second he invited her along. They danced and got stupidly drunk. And for a few hours Alec was able to forget that everything was wrong in the world. (Well, his world, anyway.)

When Alec tiptoed to their bedroom and saw Magnus curled up on the bed he imagined that his boyfriend was asleep. Until a husky voice whispered when he was settling down as well. "Hey." Their eyes met in the room's darkness. "Feel better?"

Alec chuckled breathlessly. (Magnus would never stop rendering him breathless every now and then, and he had a feeling that it was the same thing the other way around.) "Yeah." He wanted to kiss Magnus but didn't want to risk him tasting of alcohol making his boyfriend nauseous. Especially when the man seemed to feel comfortable for once. "Thank you." For always knowing what I want and need before I do. For being you.

Magnus pulled him close. Reek of alcohol and the bar be damned. They fell asleep in each other's arms, smiles on their faces.

/

Hair was only just the first of great many smaller and bigger losses.

Not long after the second dosage of chemo Magnus had no other choice but to stop wearing makeup when almost all chemicals seemed to cause a nasty reaction. As much as Alec appreciated seeing his boyfriend in his natural look, he hated it being under those circumstances. Without Magnus having any say over it. Alec also hated the physical reminder of how the man he loved kept losing bits and pieces of himself, of what made him who he was.

The disappearance of Magnus's trademark look became even more apparent when his eyelashes and eyebrows started falling like autumn leaves after the fourth chemo day. The older man tried to play it off like it was nothing but of course it was. Especially because with Magnus losing weight at a pace that had the nurses frowning Alec felt sickeningly like his boyfriend was fading away.

Their more… intimate activities were the next thing to go, because Magnus's body simply wasn't up for such pleasurable things anymore.

From far too early on it also became apparent that Magnus would have to give up on dancing. (They both told themselves that it was only for a little while.) That was where it really started to hurt, like it never had before.

After chemo day seven Magnus also had to let go of trying to run his club. (His club, which was as much a part of him as dancing, something he created from the scratch.) That evening, after leaving Maia in charge until further notice, Magnus came home quite late. It marked the first time since the nightmare began Magnus broke down to actual sobs, sitting in his favorite armchair while Alec did his best to hold on for the both of them.

They stood on their balcony afterwards. "I had no other choice. My head… It's not working right, and all that noise made it feel worse. I started forgetting bills and… everything." Magnus's tears had dried but the pain still remained in the eyes glaring at some spot in the horizon. "That place and this apartment… They're the only good things I ever got because of him." The dancer's voice always held a bite of bitterness when he talked about his late stepfather. This time the feeling was fueled by new ache and acid.

Alec squeezed Magnus's hand tightly. "You'll get it all back, you know? Dancing… The club… Your hair…", he pointed out, making sure that his tone was as light as possible. "This is only temporary."

Magnus said nothing, only rubbed the back of his hand with a thumb absentmindedly. The silence was broken so suddenly that it caught him by surprise. "I'm fine, you know? I just… need to feel sorry for myself for a moment."

Alec wanted to believe him but couldn't.

It all scared Alec out of his mind. Especially because he knew too well how dark of a place his boyfriend's head could be sometimes. With all that giving up, losing and letting go… How was Magnus supposed to remember that he needed to keep holding on and fighting?

/

A couple of days later Alec finally managed to convince Magnus into booking his first therapist's appointment in a very long time. As soon as the following day they sat in a waiting room full of magazines, books and silence. Their fingers were laced together tightly.

"You… understand why I have to go in alone, don't you?"

"Of course I do", Alec replied quickly. He gave the other's hand a squeeze to drive home that he meant it. By now he was finally mature and confident enough to give Magnus space when the man needed it without feeling rejected. "I'll be right here when you're done."

Magnus leaned his head against his shoulder. Taking the hint gladly, Alec wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. He wasn't entirely sure which one of them needed the gesture more. They stayed like that until the door opened and Magnus was called in.

/

Fate refused to allow them a long break from 'bad to worse'. Less than a week after Magnus's second chemo cycle ended the dancer was called to the hospital. And it couldn't possible mean good news. Especially since there'd been a lot of scans and other tests recently to see if the tumor had responded to the treatment. Good news were told over the phone. The bad ones were those that required having to stare at a pitying doctor in the face.

To be there with his boyfriend for whatever might come Alec called in sick that day and didn't even consider it a lie. Too tense and scared to do anything else, they held each other's hand with the force of despair while they sat at the doctor's office. Bracing themselves for another blow from fate. Unfortunately they weren't proven wrong.

The latest scan showed that despite the best of efforts, the tumor had grown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay… Deep breaths… (takes a couple) That DOES NOT sound good, now does it? Dear gosh… (gulps) Magnus, please keep fighting! And Alec, please hang in there!
> 
> Sooooo… Thoughts? Comments? Pleas? Rants? Threats…? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every word from you ALWAYS makes my day brighter.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: In the past Alec meets Magnus's friends, which leads to their first time. In present time they try to pick themselves up to continue the fight that's starting to seem hopeless.
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that I'll see you all there.  
> Take care!


	6. How We Tried to Hang on for Dear Life…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past Magnus and Alec meet each other's friends, and have their very special first time. In present time they struggle to come to terms with recent bad news and try to pick themselves up to continue the fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW! After some last minute polishing this chapter is FINALLY ready to head to the world. First, though…!
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your support! It means THE WORLD to me that you're taking this journey with me and our boys. (HUGS) I REALLY hope that you'll keep hanging in there, even through all the turbulence to come!
> 
> Now… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride. (It's ODD to use the word 'enjoy' with this story, LOL.) In this chapter we'll see some of the other characters, because there are people who want to support the boys in the middle of the nightmare.
> 
> Before the present time, allow me to introduce my version of their first time… (grins) Also... This chapter and those to come show bits and pieces of the... sadder parts of Magnus's personality. (Because we know that on the TV-show that side is a part of him.) Nothing too triggering, though, I hope.

/ Two months after they made up at the airport Alec was ready to admit to himself that he and Magnus weren't just dating. That much became apparent when it was time for them to introduce each other to their friends. Magnus took to Alec's small but tight-knit band of nearest and dearest like a duck to water. It helped that he'd already known Izzy and Clary well. Even Jace melted quickly, after trying to pull off the over-protective brother routine. The only ones immune to Magnus's charm were Alec's parents, and the younger man still struggled to deal with that.

Alec had no idea what to expect of Magnus's friends. One evening they gathered to Catarina's apartment to celebrate her birthday, and it was the perfect opportunity to introduce him to the gang. Alec was… petrified, to say the least. (At one point Magnus seemed genuinely worried that he'd have a panic attack.) His nerves weren't soothed when he met Dot, his boyfriend's ex. (He wasn't exactly proud of what bubbled inside him when the former couple hugged.) Worse yet was an encounter with Raphael, who greeted him with a protective glare that left Jace's to shame. (It didn't fade away until Magnus told Raphael to behave, scolding the younger man like a brother.) His first impression of Ragnor was more bizarre but far less hostile, with the obviously drunk theater writer quoting Shakespeare, dressed in what looked like Viking horns. (Magnus translated the quote to mean that Ragnor found Alec beautiful and was glad that someone brought the spark back to his dear old friend's eyes. Alec blushed and wondered if he should trust his boyfriend's interpretation.) Then Catarina appeared and her bright smile made all Alec's fears fall away. "You have no idea how glad I am to finally meet you", she sighed while hugging him.

Then a little girl made her way to them. She smiled at him tentatively. "Are you Alec?"

He nodded slowly and could only smile back. "I am. And who are you, Princess?"

She giggled. "Madzie." She tilted her head. "Uncle Magnus was right. You look like an angel."

While Alec and Madzie continued to interact Catarina spoke to Magnus, clearly imagining that he wasn't listening. "I'm so sorry! Iris is late again, but she should come and pick her up in five minutes. What I'd give for a more reliable nanny…"

"Don't worry." Magnus's voice held a fond tone that did funny things to Alec's heart. "I don't think Alexander minds. I certainly don't."

"And Madzie is usually so shy…" Catarina mused for a while. "He's great with kids. Maybe he should start working with them one day. Imagine him charming a whole classroom like that!"

Magnus's pure, joyful laugh was the most beautiful thing Alec had ever heard. It made him feel almost as good as the acceptance of the people around him. (Surely even Raphael would have to warm up to him eventually?) Perhaps that was why when he and Magnus got home hours later their kisses were different from before. They were more passionate, held a new fire. Fairly quickly Alec came to a startling conclusion.

He wanted to take the next step with Magnus. But he was also miserably aware of the fact that when it came to… bedroom experience they were pretty much at the opposite ends of the spectrum. (Alec hadn't even gone to a real, proper date with anyone else. His pathetic attempt with Lydia didn't count.) What did he have to offer in bed to someone like Magnus? What if he turned out to be a disappointment? What if he wasn't… enough? What if…?

The burn Alec was quick to recognize as lust refused to leave him alone. He thought about consulting Izzy but decided that the humiliation would kill him. Jace wasn't an option. His brother would've never let him live it down.

Alec agonized over the issue for almost a week. Until his instincts took over, as they often tended to do where Magnus was concerned. One evening they were kissing after barely making it through the dancer's door, fresh out of a date that left Alec hungry for more. All of a sudden the kisses changed, became far more demanding. It took Alec a few moments to realize what would happen if things went his way. And to his shock it didn't scare him.

Surprisingly it was Magnus who hit the brakes. "What…?" The older man sounded out of breath. "What's this all about? Not… that I'm complaining…"

Alec chuckled and blushed. At the intensity of his urges, and at the kind of endearing tentativeness he'd never seen his boyfriend display before. "I'm, ah… I'm ready." There was no elegant way to say 'I want sex', was there? (The words 'make love' just wouldn't fit into Alec's head, let alone come out of his mouth.)

To his alarm Magnus didn't seem as excited as he'd been hoping. The older man shivered. "Alexander… I know that out of us two I'm more… experienced. So I know that… taking the next step can change things. Sometimes for the worse. And…" The dancer let go of him entirely and paced around restlessly, back towards him before the following words tumbled out. There was something incredibly vulnerable in Magnus's eyes when they met his. "And I don't want to lose you."

Alec blinked with surprise. Where was all this coming from? "What?" Realizing that his boyfriend's fears were very much real, and as strong as those he sometimes still had, he shook his head. "Magnus, you won't lose me. I care about you. And I want this." As he said that he was already guiding the older man towards the bedroom. "I want you."

Something inside Magnus lit up, so intensely that Alec felt it, making protests and doubts fly away.

By the time they fell on Magnus's massive bed Alec's coat and shirt had disappeared. Magnus was entirely too clothed. Determined to change that, Alec let his fingers roam while their passionate kisses continued. His hands slipped under his boyfriend's shirt, exploring the skin of the older man's back eagerly. It was exciting and enticing, so intimate that he feared it'd make his heart burst.

Then his fingertips found something that felt like scar tissue. It covered a large part of Magnus's upper back. Some parts were so light they'd almost faded away, other bits still deep and angry.

A wave of shock rushed through Alec and he gasped against his boyfriend's lips. Magnus, of course, knew exactly what he'd found. The dancer, who'd been hovering above him, recoiled like he'd been burned. As soon as he was sitting up Magnus was pulling his shirt back down with fervent motions. "You weren't supposed to…" The man trailed off, looking away firmly.

"But I did." Alec brushed the older man's cheek with his hand. It didn't quite make the tension melt away, didn't even coax Magnus into looking at him. But something seemed to loosen. "And nothing's changed. I still want you. I still think you're beautiful."

Magnus finally looked at him, appearing doubtful. Alec wondered if anyone had ever said what he just did to the dancer before and meant it. Then, very slowly, a smile appeared and Alec felt something inside him practically explode. (One day soon he'd realize that it was at that exact moment he fell in love with Magnus.)

It wasn't until much, much later Alec found out where the scars on Magnus's body and mind came from. Until he learned what kind of a hell the dancer had to walk through before they met. Already that night he would've wanted to push for answers. But he didn't. That night they made love. (Perhaps he liked those two words, after all.) It was Alec's first time, and in a way new to Magnus as well. When morning dawned they woke up in each other's arms. And Alec decided, with a smile on his face, that he wouldn't mind if he woke up like that every morning for the rest of his life.

"Good morning", he rasped, his throat hoarse from the night before. He felt sore in the best way, but also more alive than ever in his life. (It occurred to him some time later that perhaps it was what being happy felt like.) /

/

It was fairly obvious that Magnus would need heavier chemo dosages if they wanted to have a fighting chance. The doctor seemed one tenth as worried as Alec felt while they both wondered just how much rougher the dancer's body would be able to handle. All three of them understood that the chance of a full recovery just diminished greatly. Magnus listened to the somber news and equally bleak plans with eerie calm, saying barely a word.

The same silence continued on their way home. When they walked through the door Alec lay a hand on the older man's shoulder and frowned when the gesture earned a shiver. "Magnus?" He held a pause and went on when it looked like he hadn't been heard. "We… should talk." He didn't want to, of course. But it wasn't like they could avoid this topic for long.

Magnus very clearly didn't feel the same way. The dancer shook his head, his mind obviously somewhere far away. "I… I need a walk first. Just… some fresh air." The man gulped convulsively, as though fighting a bout of nausea. A pleading pair of eyes rose to meet his. "I'll have my phone along. And… I won't be long. I just… I need a moment."

This was one of the more heartbreaking parts of Magnus. One of those bits of his boyfriend Alec had fought the hardest to accept. When the dancer was in pain and vulnerable, he sometimes needed to be alone for a while. It hurt, even if Alec should've seen this coming. He breathed heavily and tried not to make it sound defeated. "I'll see you in three hours, okay?" (It was the timeline they'd eventually agreed on for occasions when the older man 'needed a moment'.) He brushed Magnus's cheek with his hand and felt a tiny hint of comfort when the other leaned to the touch.

Magnus nodded and kissed the hand that was touching his face. Then retreated, quickly enough to make it painless. And left the apartment after picking up his phone and keys.

Alec stood there completely frozen, his heart aching, hammering and shattering in his chest. His wide, glazed over eyes stared at the apartment that felt horribly empty all of a sudden. His mind thrust him viciously to a world where Magnus would never walk through that door behind him again. A choked, shuddering breath crawled through his throat with immense difficulty.

For so many years Alec was afraid of facing who he was. Then he was scared of hurting himself if he tried to reach out for what he wanted. Now… Now, he knew what true fear was. The most terrifying thing in the world was finding someone you can't imagine living without and realizing that you may end up losing them.

Alec didn't know how long had passed when he jumped at the sound of a knock on the door. At first he was tempted to ignore it. Then he decided that there were few things and people that could make his day worse.

Alec wondered if he'd change his mind when he found Raphael.

Alec didn't know if Raphael would ever fully forgive him for those times when he hurt Magnus and pushed the man away. Alec, in turn, didn't know how to forgive the brief but… tumultuous fling Raphael once had with Izzy. (The disastrous aftermath of said fling was number two of the three 'I don't think our relationship will survive this' fights he and Magnus had had.) So it was safe to say that the two of them weren't best friends.

Alec was tense when he moved out of the way to let the other man in. "Magnus isn't home." It was safe enough to assume that Raphael didn't come to see him. He did wonder what the man was doing there, though. Because since finding out about Magnus's diagnosis Raphael had been avoiding the dancer. (Magnus's understanding was the only thing restraining Alec's rage over the topic.)

Raphael's brows furrowed. "I just called him and he sounded… weird. Like you do now. What's going on?"

For a moment Alec stood frozen. Until his mouth made the decision for him. And he found himself spitting out exactly how royally messed up things were.

Shortly after Raphael sat on the couch, his face buried in his hands and whole posture tense. Alec stood in front of a window, equally stiff with his hands behind his back. From the corner of his eye he saw the slightly older man wipe his eyes and felt a jolt of shock. If there was ever a moment that solidified just how much they both cared about Magnus, this was it.

"He's not going to die", Raphael hissed at last. "We're not letting him." And how about that. They finally agreed on something. The other man looked up at the sound of Alec's snort. "Is this funny to you?"

Alec shook his head. "Of course not. Just… Magnus has wanted us to try and get along. But I doubt he wanted it to happen this way."

Raphael offered a mixture of a smile and a grimace, and for the first time ever they were on the same page.

/

Magnus didn't pay a lot of attention to where he was going. By the time he woke up from his, admittedly, sullen thoughts he realized that he stood on a bridge. Leaning against the railing, he watched the water down below until he began to feel chills and lifted his face towards the sun instead. The warmth was a great deal of comfort, despite the pain that lingered in his head and almost whole body almost constantly. He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh while a massive, invisible weight made his shoulders slump. Then he breathed again when the first inhale didn't feel like enough. Soon all the oxygen in the whole world didn't seem to be enough for his lungs, and a searing sensation took over his eyes even though he kept them close.

For the first time since he and Alec became a solid couple he didn't want to think about future.

First the surgery… Then the chemo in all its glory… Now this. What next?

Magnus stood there for a long while. Determinedly looking up instead of down. The sound of his phone receiving a message pulled him firmly back to the here and now. He expected it to be Alec and hoped that he wasn't late for going back home. To his surprise it was Catarina instead, with a few sentences and a video-clip.

'Alec sent a message that you need something like this today. I hope everything's okay? Call me when you can.'

Curious, Magnus started the video. It was of Madzie. She performed a dance routine they'd spent hours upon hours perfecting before he got sick and after that whenever he felt well enough to continue. For the first time she pulled it off it flawlessly. She looked at the camera with shining eyes and a radiant smile, jumping from joy. "I did it, uncle Magnus!" she squealed. "I did it!"

No matter how much pain he was in, inside and out, Magnus found himself smiling. He sent Catarina a simple but heartfelt thank you. Then contacted Alec. 'I don't know how you knew just what I needed, but thank you. I'll be home soon. I love you.'

It took mere seconds before a response came. 'I love you, too.'

When Magnus finally took off again he knew exactly where he was going. His feet were sure and steady. It wasn't a struggle to not look down towards the water anymore.

/

Jace did a lot of soul searching before finally choosing his career. Much against his adoptive parents' wishes he became a news anchor for a small TV-channel instead of a lawyer. Most days he was happy with his choice. Other days he wondered what he was thinking. That very day happened to be one of the latter ones.

Jace was muttering darkly to himself and getting ready for a live performance when there was a knock on the door. His new assistant, the name of whom he'd have to try and memorize soon, peered in and blushed upon seeing him buttoning his shirt. "I'm… I know that you're busy, but… Someone wants to see you."

Jace groaned and almost ran a hand through his hair until he remembered that it was stylized minutes earlier. "Can't it wait? I…" Just then his gaze landed on the person stood behind the young, petite woman. His chest clenched when he took in the expression on Magnus's face. "Give us five minutes."

The girl nodded and tried to sputter something, then sprinted away.

Magnus entered with slow, heavy steps and closed the door. The man was clearly trying to stall and buy time. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that you're going live today."

Jace shook his head. "Don't worry about it." He didn't like the look in Magnus's eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked bluntly. He knew that there was a doctor's appointment scheduled for earlier that day. A sinking feeling made itself known in the pit of his stomach. Oh, no, just… No…!

Magnus looked towards the room's window, jaw clenched. "The tumor… It's grown."

Jace felt like he'd been kicked in the gut and ice filled his whole body. He opened his mouth twice before any sort of words came. "Magnus, I'm…"

Magnus interrupted him with a quick shake of a head. Clearly he'd had his fill of 'I'm sorries'. "I had to come now, because… Honestly, if I waited any longer I might not be able to say this. And you were the only one I could think of. Because as much as I adore Isabelle, she wouldn't take what I'm about to ask for well." The man focused on him, seeming alarmingly serious. "We both know how sick I am. There's no tiptoeing around it anymore. I intend to give beating it my best shot, but…" The dancer looked down for a moment, as though seeking strength. "If this ends… badly… Or if I get too sick to be any good for anyone… I need you to promise me that you'll be there for Alec. And Clary. I need to know that there's someone looking after them when I can't."

Jace wanted to argue. Wanted to snarl at the older man to stop saying things like that. But seeing how painful it was to utter that plea stopped his temperamental outburst short. Besides, Magnus was trusting him with his whole world. "Of course I'll look after them", he swore easily, a lump forming in his throat. "But… You know how much they need you, right?"

"I'm very aware." That very knowledge clearly scared Magnus. The man gave him a sadness tinged smile. "Alec is lucky to have a brother like you. And, although I've had my doubts over the years… Biscuit is lucky to have you, too."

No matter how horribly wrong things were, Jace just had to smile at the praise.

The smile was gone when far too soon after he braced himself for a live performance. He put on his best professional face. And mused with a degree of bitterness that on a day like that it felt far too natural to report about the disasters of the world.

/

Exactly three hours after Magnus's departure Alec heard the apartment's door open and close. Slow, almost tentative steps entered. Like his boyfriend would've wondered if he had the permission to come back home after taking a well-deserved break.

Alec inhaled a couple of deep, shuddering breaths and wiped his eyes. Then stepped back inside from the balcony. He found Magnus sitting on their couch with a troubled look on his face.

Even though Magnus wasn't looking his way Alec knew that he'd been noticed. Slowly, giving the other man well enough time to tell him if he needed distance, he made his way to the couch as well and sat down. Then waited with patience he didn't usually have.

A couple of full minutes ticked by before the words were found. "I get so angry, sometimes, thinking about… everything", Magnus confessed. His eyes were on the floor. "And… Sometimes I wonder if I've deserved this. Maybe this is a payback for when I almost… threw it all away." (Alec tensed up at those words. That dark, terrifying part of his boyfriend… One he'd only received hints of less than a handful of times during all the years they'd known each other… He didn't want to even think about it. Especially on a day that was already horrible.) The dancer went on before he could protest. "I know, I know. This is bad luck. I just…" A grim chuckle bubbled out. "I just thought that I'd had my share of that."

Alec wanted to interject, so badly that his chest burned, but he didn't dare to interrupt Magnus now that his boyfriend was opening up for the first time since his diagnosis.

Magnus finally looked towards him, bottomless sadness in his eyes. "I can't help but wonder why this is happening now, when I've found you. Someone who loves me, someone who accepts every single part of me and makes me happy." A tear, just one, rolled down the older man's face. "I… I need more time with you."

Alec couldn't hold himself back any longer. He wrapped his arms around Magnus and held on with all his might. "Hey, don't worry about any of that. We have a lot of time left." (For him there wasn't and never would be any other option.) Alec barely recognized his own voice. "I've got it all figured out, you know? We'll… We'll get married someday. We'll grow old and gray together." He closed his eyes and tightened his grip still. "So just… Just keep holding on, a little longer." He knew that it was an unfair thing to ask, when neither of them had any idea how the whole nightmare would end. But he was only human, and scared to death of losing the one who meant the most to him.

Magnus held back almost as tightly. "I'll keep fighting for as long as I can", the older man promised. "Because… I know that you'll look amazing when you're gray and old. And I want to be there to see you."

Those words of despair and possibly futile hope were all they had to hang on to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me assure you all, Magnus IS fighting with all his might. (Because look what he's got to fight for…!) But he's also too much of a realist to totally ignore just how BAD things are. (whimpers) Poor, poor boys! And the worst may be yet to come… (gulps)
> 
> SOOOO… Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, drop me a line or two! Hearing from you ALWAYS gets me SUPER excited.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: In the past insecurities and doubts brought to life by Camille tear Malec apart. In the present Magnus's health takes a turn for the worse.
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that you'll all tune in for that one.  
> Take care!


	7. How It All Began to Fall Apart…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past insecurities and doubts brought to life by Camille tear Malec apart. In the present Magnus's health takes a turn for the worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! This chapter got BIG. (chuckles) BUT, here we are! Hooray?
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times over, for your comments, love and support! It means THE WORLD to me that you're there, enjoying this FEELS filled ride. (HUGS)
> 
> ABOUT THE FLASHBACK SECTION… So far we've seen pretty much everything from Alec's POV, but this time we get a glimpse of the world inside Magnus's head. And it's not always a happy place… Depression is a HORRIBLE illness. (whimpers) I did my best to keep it from being triggering, but please do let me know if it feels that way to you! Also, I had to alter it several times to make it feel right to me. Typing the inevitable breakup scene (which happens in books and on the show) WAS NOT pleasant. (grimaces) I hope I did a decent job.
> 
> (THE PERFECT SONG FOR THE FLASHBACK PART? 'Perfect' from Hedley)
> 
> Okay… Are you ready? I'm not, either. But let's go, anyway! I hope you can enjoy the turbulence. (smirks sheepishly)

/ Their relationship was far from easy. ('Relationships take effort', they reminded each other and themselves.) They fought regrettably often, usually due to Alec's qualms and temper clashing with Magnus's tendency to keep things to himself. Sometimes Alec fretted over how many arguments a couple could have before it was too much. But they always found their way back to each other. And they got past the six-month milestone.

Alec was happy, at least most of the time. Yet he couldn't quite smother his old, deep rooted insecurities. Especially when Magnus's two professions, the man being an orphan and awkward mentions of former lovers was pretty much all the information he had on his boyfriend's life story. On bad days it made Alec wonder if he really did or ever would know the dancer at all. It made him doubt just how much he mattered. To make things worse, for the first time he began to notice how much Magnus drank. His uncertainties – all his bottled-up jealousy and insecurities – were bound to come out sooner or later. As they did, in the worst way.

Magnus had already behaved strangely for over a week before that Saturday morning dance practice. Something was missing from their goodbye kiss. But despite that Alec didn't mean to spy on him. (He wanted to believe he didn't.) He just wanted to walk the older man home from the dance studio, although the dancer usually preferred jogging home. He found Magnus just in time to see his boyfriend exchange a long hug with Dot before the man started to run. The woman's longing eyes followed the older man as he went.

Someone scoffed beside him. "So he's still good at making people look at him like that poor thing does. And like you do."

Alec turned his head to find the same woman he saw with Magnus at the airport ages ago, just before they got together. Was that even the same red dress? He frowned. "Who are you?"

"I'm just a very old… friend." The woman gifted him with a smile that couldn't be trusted and took a sip of takeaway coffee. "I was supposed to go and say 'Hi' to him, but I think I'll do you a favor instead." Something about her made it impossible to look away although he wanted to. "It's deviously easy to fall in love with him, and I can see that he's enchanted you already. But don't trust his love, because Magnus gifts it too easily. Do you honestly believe that you could ever have his whole heart? What do you imagine you have to offer, young and cute as you are? He won't settle for you for long." She tilted her head. "Maybe he imagines that you are the one, that you're different. He's a naïve fool. So terrified of being alone that he doesn't want to believe how fleeting love is. I'm not surprised that he takes alcohol and pills to try and ease that self-created misery."

Alec felt an actual stab. The world tilted dangerously for a few seconds. "What?"

The woman brought a hand to her mouth. "I said too much, didn't I?" Her eyes flashed with satisfaction when she realized that she hit a nerve. "If you're… curious… Open the box in his living room. And when you do…" Her hand brushed his arm in a mockery of a comforting gesture. Traces of her strongly scented perfume were left on his clothes. "Remember that I warned you." With that she turned and walked away, her high heels clicking loudly as she went.

Alec headed to Magnus's apartment in a bizarre, foggy state of mind and used the key he got a month or so earlier. When he walked in Magnus was taking a shower. Alec's skin tingled, but this time it wasn't the pleasant kind of burn. His eyes followed some command free of his will and locked on a box he first noticed about three months ago. He hated himself for not being strong enough to fight the temptation. Before he realized fully what was happening the lid was open and his not quite steady hands rummaged through the mysterious box's contents.

There were some photographs of people that sparked a hint of jealousy. Along with a few items that didn't strike him as anything meaningful. And then there was one item that said far too much. His eyes widened while he stared at a bottle of pills. Such meant for treating depression.

"Alec." Magnus sounded tense. Or perhaps rather disappointed. (Too late he realized that the true emotion was fear.) "What are you doing?"

Alec showed the bottle like it was evidence of betrayal. "What is this?" he spat. "How… How long…?" He trailed off.

Magnus stiffened, his posture becoming defensive. His makeup free face made him appear heartbreakingly innocent. (For some ridiculous reason Alec became angrier upon starting to realize how vulnerable his boyfriend actually was.) "Since I was fifteen." The older man went on cautiously. "I… was able to do without for a few years, but had to start again about a week ago."

"Why?" When Alec didn't receive a response he went on far more sharply than he had any right to. Ignoring a voice in his head that tried to scream at him to stop and listen. "Simple question! Why do you need pills to make it through life with me?" Of course he knew, on a level of reason, that this wasn't anything personal towards him. That depression wasn't something anyone could control. But he was scared, worried and hurt, and unable to control his tongue.

Magnus shuddered like he'd been struck, and for the first time that day Alec felt remorse. "Because I'm trying, alright? I want to be happier, so I could be the kind of a boyfriend you deserve. I'm trying for you, because I finally have someone to try for."

Some other day that would've been soothed Alec. But he was still too startled to feel comfort. He snorted bitterly. "Great. That's just… That's hot." He tossed the bottle back to the box and barreled on without giving Magnus the chance to react. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"Yes!" Magnus sounded overwhelmed and exasperated. Usually it might've been enough of a warning sign for Alec to stop pushing. "Of course! I just… I wasn't ready yet." The dancer's distressed eyes were pleading with him. "There are… things about me and my past that I'm ashamed of, that are painful to me. Sharing them with you… It scares me. Many people have left me because all of me is too much to get used to. I've been struggling to convince myself that you're different." The older man gulped and looked down. "I just need time. Like I've given you time and space when you've needed it. I hoped that you'd understand, that you'd wait for me." When he didn't offer an answer Magnus frowned. "Where is this all coming from, anyway?" The older man tried to touch his arm but he yanked it away. Which was when the faint scent came out and Magnus's eyes darkened. "You met Camille."

Alec's temper flared anew. "Camille, huh? That's her name?"

Magnus's jaw was tight. "What I had with her… It's been in the past for almost a decade."

"And you still recognize her perfume." Alec shook his head when it started to hurt. "Do you want to know where my anger comes from? Today I learned more about you from your ex than I've heard from your own mouth in half a year. I may not have your experience, but… Even I know that that's not right." He clenched his jaw when tears threatened to fill his eyes. "I… I don't know what I've done to make it so hard to trust me and open up to me. Maybe you'll tell me one day. Right now I'm done trying to figure you out." With those words he marched out of the apartment.

(If he stayed a little longer he would've heard Magnus's whisper. "You haven't done anything wrong. I'm the problem.")

That evening Alec did something he knew almost immediately was a bad idea. He went to a bar and got himself stupidly drunk. Then started rambling about him and Magnus to a man he remembered vaguely having seen at school. (Hill? Underhill?) He didn't realize what was happening, what he was doing, until a pair of lips lingered a breath away from his own.

Mortified and frantic, he pushed the stranger away. "Hey, no! This…" He shook his head, which almost made him lose his balance. "This isn't what I want."

The other man snorted. "Are you serious? You've been moping about your guy all night, going on about how bad things are. What else could you want?"

Tingling took over Alec's skin, the kind he knew very well. No longer remembering that the near-stranger even existed, he turned his gaze. He felt his heart thud when he saw Magnus standing a small distance away. There was an unreadable look on the dancer's face. Alec's chest constricted while he began to approach, his drunken steps stumbling as badly as his thoughts. "Magnus, I didn't… That wasn't… Nothing happened."

"I know." Magnus did seem convinced. And sad. "Let's go home. We'll talk in the morning."

Alec was disgustingly drunk but still aware enough to feel dread at those words. He nodded slowly and tried to start talking already but couldn't. The cab ride home was silent and Alec passed out almost as soon as Magnus had guided him to bed.

The next morning dawned with intense regret, nausea and a horrific headache. Alec's mind hadn't mercifully wiped away any of what happened. Desperate to try and start fixing things, he reached out towards the other side of the bed. Only to find it cold and empty.

Magnus stood in front of the living room's window, nursing a mug of tea that wasn't steaming anymore. The dancer was dressed in black, all the way to his fingernails. It made the anxiety Alec felt before grow exponentially.

Alec swallowed thickly. "Magnus, I'm sorry." How many times had they started a talk this way…?

It took some time before Magnus replied. "I know you are. Since we got together I've heard you say that so many times that I've lost count." Rather than angry it sounded defeated, and somehow that was worse. "I'm sorry, too. For… being the way I am." The dancer hesitated. "The fight we had yesterday… It made me wonder if anything I can say or do would convince you of how much you mean to me. If I'm able to give you what you need." Those wrenching words rendered Alec speechless. Magnus's hold on the tea-mug tightened. "When I was much younger I was in a relationship where I was… pushed into things before I was ready. I suppose it did more damage and made me close myself up further than I thought." A long pause followed. "I understand your frustration, but I've given you everything of myself I can right now. And it's… It's unfair to you, because it obviously isn't enough." Magnus lost his voice for a while. "If I hurt you so badly that you to keep lashing out and make you feel like you need to seek emotional support from a stranger at a bar… Then you deserve better."

Alec felt agonizingly cold. "No, no… Magnus, we can… We can work this out."

"Maybe we can. Eventually." Finally Magnus looked towards him, eyes dry but suspiciously red and puffy. The dancer stared at him for a long moment, like memorizing every little detail. "But to do that we have to try and work some things out on our own first."

Half an hour later Alec's hand trembled when he placed his key on the kitchen counter. Hoping against all hope that he'd change Magnus's mind, after all, he captured the older man's lips to a long, desperate kiss. Then headed towards the door with slow, heavy steps. Magnus didn't ask him to stay.

Once he made it to his dorm room Alec burst into tears, the realization that his insecurities just cost him the best thing in his life hitting him like a train.

For almost three weeks Alec did a lot of thinking, and agonizing. Until he decided to follow Izzy's advice and not let Magnus push him away. That very day his phone started ringing. His heart began to race when he noticed who the caller was. "Magnus, I'm sorry…!"

"Alec…" That… was Catarina. Why did she have Magnus's phone? She sounded like she was close to tears. "I… I know that you two are on a break, or something. But… There's been an accident, and… You should get to the hospital." /

/

Much like had been expected, heavier dosages of chemo also meant more side effects. Already after the first day of the new chemo Magnus was sicker than ever before. Alec found it increasingly hard to believe that the poison was doing more good than harm.

That miserable thought became stronger one day when Magnus was told that his blood values didn't allow the next planned chemo session. A tiny, foolish part of Alec was almost relieved when the torment was postponed. A far bigger and entirely too rational part of him was terrified. What if Magnus's body wouldn't bounce back from this one? What if his boyfriend wouldn't be able to handle the treatment that might save his life?

That evening Alec found himself looking at Magnus while they both brushed their teeth. The older man was wearing a thick, oversized hoodie, because these days he felt cold all the time. Still it was entirely too easy to see changes the past months of fighting against cancer had left behind. And the battle was far from over.

Magnus gave him a questioning look upon noticing him watching. Alec spat away toothpaste and rinsed his mouth but a bitter aftertaste still remained. He kept his eyes on the water heading towards the drain. "I was just… remembering something." He didn't want to clarify that it was their fights.

Magnus also spat out some water and toothpaste. There were traces of blood in the mix. The dancer grimaced. "That's disgusting." Since the stronger chemo started nasty mouth sores had been a problem, made eating and kissing nearly impossible. The new side effect was another emotional and physical blow, like there hadn't been enough of those already.

Alec stared at the red meandering away. Unable to produce a word. He still couldn't stop thinking about all the time they'd wasted on fighting each other, when they could've been fighting for each other or together.

Alec's thoughts were pulled elsewhere when Magnus moved to leave the room and stumbled. Much like he did at his club, before the whole nightmare escalated to its current level. Just like then Alec moved quickly and managed to catch him.

"I'm fine. I'm fine", Magnus announced immediately. Sounding out of breath. "Just… got a little dizzy."

Alec did his best to swallow past the lump in his throat. "You're not okay", he pointed out, even if saying it made him feel sick. "And… Neither am I." He'd been stalling this conversation for a few days, now. Alec took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. "I've tried, so hard. But… I can't focus on work anymore. You know how much I love my class. They deserve someone who has their head in the game." He closed his eyes. "Today… You had to get… those news all alone, because I was at work." (There was no way Magnus would ever take anyone else with him to anything related to chemo. Appearing so vulnerable in front of even Alec was almost too much. Facing nightmares and disasters alone was something the dancer was entirely too used to.) "I wasn't there when you needed me. And… You need me more than the kids do."

Magnus seemed shocked. "Alexander… I know how much teaching means to you. I'm not letting you…"

Alec shook his head firmly. Surer of his decision than ever before. "I'm not making some sort of a sacrifice, here. My job is waiting for me when… this is over." He adored the way his boyfriend lay his head against his shoulder. "This is what I want, Magnus." All of a sudden everything crashed down on him once more and his throat constricted. "There's… There's so little I can do for you. And right now I need to be with you. So let me do this."

He didn't notice how badly he was shaking until Magnus tightened his hold on him. They gave each other a moment before the older man sighed. "Have you talked about this with Lydia?" Fairly soon after the big C turned their lives around they decided to see their respective therapists more regularly. So they wouldn't burden each other or their friends with the emotional overload. (Lydia saw who Alec really was among the first ones and refused to be a part of the lie he told himself. It was almost like a trick of fate that she became his new therapist after Jocelyn's death.)

Alec nodded. With that gesture making it clear that there was no room for negotiations. Nothing was going to keep him from spending as much time as he could with Magnus. Especially when he was more aware than ever that they'd only have so long together.

Magnus went on after a thoughtful pause. "Do you know what else we both need? At least one evening when cancer isn't even mentioned. And we need to stop limiting our world to just the two of us. That isn't healthy, as much as we enjoy each other's company."

Alec wasn't sure how he felt about dealing with other people when everything outside absolutely necessary was too much to handle. But a break, even a short one, was too tempting to resist. "You sound like you have a plan."

"You know me too well."

/

Magnus couldn't exactly go out in his current condition. Especially with the cough he'd developed out of nowhere. But he and Alec been kind of neglecting their friends since things went from bad to worse, as little as that had been their intention. Besides, they wanted to celebrate Alec's sabbatical. (Had the line between celebrating and mourning ever been so thin?) They decided on a movie evening, which sounded like a relaxed option.

Magnus observed fondly how Clary and Simon talked over each other, both absurdly excited about the actually pretty horrible vampire movie they were watching. Jace made the mistake of releasing a suffering groan and had to soothe his new wife's ire with a kiss. Alec was fast asleep on Magnus's shoulder. Whatever the younger man was dreaming of had made him wrinkle his nose in an adorable manner. The soft, sleepy sounds that accompanied the facial expression made it ridiculously hard to not wake him with a kiss.

"He really needed the nap, then", Catarina half-whispered while she returned from the kitchen with some sort of an herbal mixture.

Magnus nodded and sighed. "The past few nights have been pretty horrible." He had to smother a coughing fit with his fist.

"No offence, but you look like you could use a nap, too." Catarina's brows furrowed. "The cough still continues, then? Do you have fever?"

Magnus shook his head and waved off her concern. "It's just a cough." Alec was already frantic about it. He didn't want his second-oldest friend to start fretting, too. His eyes strayed towards the green substance in the glass she carried and he grimaced. "Honestly? That seems far more suspicious."

Catarina rolled her eyes. "It's good for your immune system. So stop being a baby and drink up."

Magnus smiled while he accepted the glass. Even if the substance's stench made his stomach turn. "Cat…"

"Thank me for looking after my best friend and I'll make you drink another glass."

/

Less than two days later it became apparent that Magnus wasn't getting any better. The cough persisted and worsened. Alec could also see that fairly soon breathing got painful, as much as the dancer tried to claim that it was nothing. His worries were confirmed when the discomfort became so great that it kept Magnus awake even though the man was so exhausted that he could barely walk and talk. Then fever came along.

It started out as slightly elevated temperature but during just one night it rose to alarming numbers. When it got so bad that Magnus couldn't stop trembling Alec called Catarina. By then he was almost as terrified as he was before the surgery.

Catarina's audible worry didn't make him feel any better. "Take him to the hospital. I'll see you there soon."

At least the clear, firm instructions gave Alec something concrete to focus on, something to do. The first decision he made was that an ambulance would be too slow. With his heart hammering at a hazardous pace, Alec ordered a ride for them and put on his coat. Then, after pulling himself together forcibly, he made his way to Magnus and brushed his boyfriend's alarmingly warm cheek with a ghost-light hand. He hated how even the slightest contact made the older man flinch involuntarily. "I'm sorry, I know you want to sleep. But we've gotta go and stop by at a hospital, okay?"

Magnus, who seemed little more than half-conscious, groaned an exhausted protest. But nonetheless did his best to follow the lead when Alec helped him to a sitting position, then hauled the smaller man out of the bed. Magnus's feet supported his weight only for ten seconds before the dancer slumped heavily against him. His heart thudding from startle, Alec grabbed a firmer hold and eventually had Magnus in his arms. Carrying the older man was entirely too effortless with how much weight and muscle mass he'd lost.

Alec was beyond glad that none of their neighbors saw them, because the last thing either of them needed was becoming the gossip topic of the week. Unfortunately there was no avoiding their driver, who didn't even try to hide his disgust at the instantly drawn conclusions. "He'd better not throw up or bleed all over my backseat", the driver grumbled.

Alec's blood boiled when he understood entirely too well. "He doesn't have AIDS, if that's what you're worried about", he growled while settling them both to the backseat. "He has cancer."

Under different circumstances the shock and instant regret on the driver's face might've been satisfying. The man swallowed loudly. "Look, I'm…"

Alec shook his head. He wasn't in the mood for empty apologies, especially when Magnus's temperature only seemed to keep climbing. "Just shut up and get us to a hospital."

Magnus didn't seem to be conscious by the time Alec finally rushed through the hospital's doors. Only shock kept him from bursting into tears when a worried looking nurse approached them. "You… You have to help him", he pleaded. "He… He's had chemo, and… He's been fluish for a couple of days and he… He got a lot worse tonight…"

"Okay, I see. Now calm down." Somehow the nurse's comforting tone was enough to ground him. After telling someone to get a gurney she refocused on him with sympathy filled eyes. "Can you give me his information? Start with his name."

Alec's memories of what followed were vague at best. One moment, however, was stored to his mind all too clearly. Magnus woke up just as Alec lay him down like the most valuable and fragile glass. Two nurses bustled around them, about to take the dancer somewhere the teacher couldn't follow for tests and treatment. Confusion and fear filled the bleary, feverish dark eyes while Magnus struggled to understand what was going on. A feeble hand reached out for Alec's in a rather obvious attempt to keep them from being separated.

Alec wanted to promise that everything would be okay. That Magnus was safe and in capable hands. But he couldn't squeeze even a single word out of his mouth. And then it was too late.

Alec was pushed towards a waiting area. He attempted to protest but stopped short when it was made adamantly clear that he was in the way. The last thing he wanted to do was delay the care Magnus needed. Even if being forced away was one of the most painful experiences he'd gone through so far.

Alec had no idea how long he'd been pacing. At some point he sent a flood of messages to let a group of friends that'd become surprisingly big know what was going on. Suddenly a familiar voice called out his name. "Alec." Izzy was dashing towards him, Raphael following close behind. "What's going on?"

Alec shook his head in an attempt to clear it. "His fever… It got out of control. Someone said it might be pneumonia. They're…" He clenched his jaw. "They're working on him now." To coax his thoughts elsewhere for a moment he gave the two a look and noticed that they were dressed to impress. "You look nice."

Raphael grimaced. "Business meeting." Which didn't seem to have gone well.

"We happened to be at the same restaurant." Izzy seemed to still feel the need to defend the hotel owner. (Well, Alec did punch him a few times, once, before Magnus tore them off of each other…) "I was on a date." She went on as soon as he opened his mouth to apologize for ruining her night. "It was going nowhere. I was already about to send Max a message to make the emergency call." Oh, how they both wished that it was a fake emergency call…

There was a time when seeing Izzy and Raphael together made Alec's temper flare, because he knew how toxic the short-lived relationship between the hotel owner and his sister was. But years had flown by and what was a misguided love affair transformed into tentative friendship. Alec was happy that his sister had a true friend, because she'd never been a good at letting people genuinely close. (Something they, unfortunately, had in common…) Another good reason for the delicate truce was that Alec hated fighting about Raphael with Magnus when he knew how much his boyfriend cared about the man.

Raphael seemed to get that the siblings needed some alone time. And clearly to wanted a moment to think. He shifted awkwardly, eyes darting hopefully towards the room's door. "I'll go and get us some coffee. This will take a while."

As soon as they were alone Izzy grabbed Alec to a nearly crushingly tight hug. He clung to her with all his might, unable to do anything else. "Alec, breathe", she commanded softly, a comforting hand rubbing soothing circles on his painfully tense back.

Alec, as it turned out, did far more than that. (And wondered how long he'd been holding his breath.) "What if… What if this is it?" His mind was in a total chaos, made him spit out words he didn't want to even think about. "Do you remember that accident?"

Izzy nodded, knowing that no verbal response was necessary. Of course she remembered. Neither of them would forget anytime soon.

Alec gulped and blinked furiously. The waiting area seemed oddly blurry. "Back then I… I kept begging for a second chance. For a little more time. Just a little longer. And… I got him back." He couldn't identify the sound that broke through his throat. "What if this is it? What if this is all the extra time we got?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh dear… So right now things are pretty horrible in past AND present. (winces) Anyone here who hates Camille? (lifts both hands) And anyone here who feels horrible for our boys? Show me hands. (To anyone wondering… Yes, an accident, not… You know.)
> 
> Is this the beginning of the end or the beginning of a new round of fighting?
> 
> AND, most importantly… Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every single comment makes me ridiculously happy.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: In the past a life-threatening accident leads to a confession. In present time friends and family gather around Alec and Magnus to support them through the new, terrifying setback.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I'll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	8. How I Begged for More Time…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past a life-threatening accident leads to a confession. In present time friends and family gather around Alec and Magnus to support them through the new, terrifying setback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you all recovered from the previous chapter's cliffies? No? Weeeeell… At least the story FINALLY continues now. Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your support through this story! And especially thank you to everyone who took the time to comment! It makes me insanely happy that you're out there, waiting for each chapter. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, because I think you're all ready for the story to just continue… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.
> 
> ONE MORE NOTE: Happy Easter Egg hunt with books and TV-show nods… (grins)

/ Alec dashed to the hospital as quickly as he could, his heart racing. Catarina was already there and told him that Magnus was in surgery. He shuddered from the tension coursing through his body. "What happened?"

She swallowed. "Luke and his partner, they… They were nearby, and got there before an ambulance did. He called me." (For years to come Luke avoided talking about that day.) She went on at Alec's stiff, impatient nod. "Magnus was going home from the dance studio. He was… He was just a couple of blocks from home. Then he saw a woman who didn't notice a red light and was about to get hit by a car. He grabbed her wrist to stop her. She was startled, screamed and shoved him hard. He…" She clenched her jaw and composed herself for a moment. "He wasn't prepared for her attack and swayed to the road. The car hit him instead. It happened so quickly that bystanders could only watch."

The injustice of it all made Alec feel so sick to his stomach that he couldn't say anything.

Eventually a grim-faced doctor appeared. The update wasn't exactly uplifting. Magnus suffered internal injuries and sustained several broken bones. The worst damage was done to his head and side. One broken rib punctured a lung. The dancer couldn't be trusted to breathe on his own so he'd been connected to a machine that did it for him. It was far too early to predict what the… outcome would be. For now all they could do was wait.

Technically Alec shouldn't have been allowed to Magnus's room. (He was eternally grateful to Catarina for helping out.) When he first saw the dancer, battered and bruised and seemingly lifeless, he almost ran away. Instead he steeled himself and approached the bed. Finding the courage to grab Magnus's hand took even more strength, even after Catarina told him that he wouldn't do harm or cause pain. The older man's skin was unnaturally cold and he rubbed the hand with his thumb, anxious to offer what little comfort and warmth he could.

The touch broke an invisible dam, and over the next couple of days Alec talked more than he had in his whole life until that point. Great many times he begged for a second chance, silently and out loud. Later he remembered very little of what he said. Aside an isolated event.

"Magnus, I'm… I'm sorry. That I let you push me away. That I didn't listen to you. That I… That I didn't fight harder for us." He wiped his eyes. "But I'm fighting now. With all I have. And I need you to fight, too, because… Because I want to tell you…"

He never got the chance to finish. Just then the room's door opened and an irritated looking nurse peered in. "There are people waiting outside who need to speak to you. Now."

Alec stepped to the hallway, already on the edge and eager to return to the room. He tensed up even further upon discovering his parents. "What are you doing here?" It was most likely the first time they were together in the same space after their divorce. Trust the black sheep of the family to bring them together, he mused bitterly.

Maryse sighed heavily. She seemed tired. "You've been here for two days. Your siblings are worried. We're worried."

Alec clenched his jaw. "I'm fine." Of course he wasn't. "I don't know what you're doing here…"

"We came because one of your professors, who is also a good friend of mine, called." Robert's face and voice held all that disappointment he should've grown used to already. "You haven't attended to your classes in weeks. Your essays are late. If you want to become a lawyer…"

"I don't want to become a lawyer! And I don't want to work for your company, or marry some daughter of your colleague!" Alec shouted. Desperate to be heard at last, after spending most of his life without a voice of his own. "Did it seem to you like I ever wanted any of it? Because I never have, no matter how many times you told me that I was supposed to! I used to imagine that there's something wrong with me!" His chest and blood burned. "I may have missed my chance, because I'm too slow at figuring things out." And because of a careless pedestrian. "But… I want to try to be happy. With Magnus." If I still have that chance, he mused with a sting of intense sadness.

Robert snorted incredulously. "Really, Alec? You're ruining your life because of a fling with… him?"

"After over six months I wouldn't call it a fling", Alec hissed. "And I'm not ruining my life. I'm trying to make it worth living." He gritted his teeth. "Magnus, he…" He breathed hard to not sound like he was about to cry. "He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Thanks to him I don't feel like I'm defective." (He realized as much with Jocelyn's help a week or so earlier.) "He cares about me, just the way I am, faults and all." He should've never, ever doubted that, for even a second. "You're still not even trying to understand, are you? The one I care about the most in the world is in that room next to us, and no one knows if he'll make it. This… This is me in pieces. This is the most scared and devastated you've ever seen me. The last thing I need right now is a pointless fight with you."

Neither of his parents could say anything to that.

Alec wasn't done. "You know what I've been thinking about lately? If my own parents were also able to accept who and what I am… Then maybe I wouldn't need all that therapy, or have such hard time believing that I'm important to Magnus."

Robert glared at him as though not recognizing him anymore. Then spun around and marched away. Alec looked towards his mother, expecting her to do the same thing. Instead Maryse stared at him with horror and grief, her eyes shimmering. Then grabbed him to a hug neither of them had seen coming. Her whisper-light words were an even bigger shock. "Alec, I'm… I'm so sorry…!"

Alec was furious with her. But she was still his mother, and at the moment the only comfort he had when he needed it the most. So he clung to her. Scared senseless that Magnus would leave him permanently just when his life had started to make sense.

It took another day longer before a nurse who liked him or felt sorry enough to talk to him revealed that Magnus would almost certainly pull through. The next day Alec sighed in relief when the dancer began to breathe without a machine's aid after keeping him and the medical team in suspense for agonizingly long. After that Magnus was allowed to try waking up. And one of the most torturous parts of the waiting game began.

It took entirely too long. But eventually a pair of bleary dark eyes blinked halfway open. At first they squinted at the ceiling. Then, very slowly, they focused on him.

Alec couldn't help the tear-filled chuckle. "Hey", he managed. Then began to feel incredibly cold when he saw the way Magnus was frowning at him. This… was something he'd forgotten to be afraid of, when he was so terrified of the older man dying. What if Magnus didn't recognize him? Or had decided that he didn't want him anymore? "What's wrong?"

Slowly, slowly, Magnus's frown smoothened. And transformed to a tiny, exhausted smile. There was no misreading the feelings in the eyes drinking in the sight of him.

Alec laughed again. It took the kind of willpower he barely had to not lean down for a kiss. He sobered quickly when the reality of how close to losing the dancer he came. Perhaps this was too soon, too overwhelming, too much or too little too late, but… "Magnus, I've… I've never been as terrified as I was when I heard about your accident. Not knowing if you'd be okay…" He trailed off and his hold on the other's hand tightened. "I love you." It was amazing how easily those frightening words fell. And how light he felt when they were off his chest.

Magnus stared at him in a way that made him worry. Then swallowed, before whispering his first hoarse, scarcely audible words in days. "I love you, too."

A few hours later, while Magnus slept, Alec filled out an application to try and become a schoolteacher. Staring at the paper and listening to his boyfriend's slow, steady breathing, he felt like he was finally starting to truly live. And he couldn't wait to see what was in the future. /

/

The diagnosis was confirmed quite soon after Magnus had been admitted. It was definitely pneumonia. The dancer's temperature and infection value were both through the roof, and he had problems with breathing properly. A heavy dosage of antibiotics was started immediately and the man received some additional oxygen in effort to help him. And once again Alec was forced to wait. The hours were endless. Especially before he was finally allowed to wait by his boyfriend's side. It was all entirely too familiar.

Magnus slept, because trying to fight off the newest ailment and all the medication pumped to his system left no other choice. Whatever dreams the dancer had, they weren't pleasant. No matter what Alec did to soothe Magnus, the older man trembled, frowned, murmured and even whimpered a few times. Seeing him like that was almost worse than the actual illness.

"He knows that I'm here, right?" Alec asked when Catarina stopped by to check up on them. The question sounded so childish to his ears that almost any other day he would've grimaced. That slowly dawning morning he needed hope. He needed someone to convince him that things weren't as bad as his far too often pessimistic mind automatically assumed.

Catarina gave him a soft little smile. "Do you really have to ask? Like there'd ever be a time when the two of you wouldn't feel each other's presence."

Encouraged by her words, Alec took his boyfriend's far too warm, clammy hand. He waited until they were alone before he gave the hand a squeeze and tried his voice. "This…" He cleared his throat when his voice broke almost immediately. "Having to wait like this, again… I'm not okay with it." He lost track on what he'd been meaning to say. There was so much… "I'm terrified. Again." There was a time when he might've been embarrassed to admit that, even to Magnus. But he'd grown past such years ago. "Especially now, because… When you're better again, I want to ask you something important. I should've ages ago… And…" He licked his lips. "I'm scared that I've kept you waiting too long and missed my chance."

"You're planning to propose?" Clary's voice startled him. "That's amazing!"

Alec turned his head sharply to find the redhead and Jace, who were standing by the room's door, and tensed up. His reaction wasn't anything personal. It was just that he knew how much Magnus hated being seen at his most vulnerable, even by those he cared about. His first instinct was to lash out and protect the man he loved. Instead he struggled to keep his fried nerves together and nodded stiffly. "Yeah." He wished he would've been able to share Clary's excitement and eternal optimism. He glanced towards Magnus to discover that the older man's condition or state of awareness hadn't changed. "I just… I'll wait until after he's recovered. Otherwise he'd imagine that I did it out of obligation or pity." He told himself stubbornly that he'd get the chance after wasting too much time.

Jace's smile didn't seem quite effortless. His brother avoided glancing Magnus's way. "About time!" Realizing the unintentional stab those words caused, Jace hurried on. "So… We're here to kidnap you. Because… You need a break."

Alec frowned, the tension from before escalating. "What are you talking about?" The absolutely last thing he wanted was to leave Magnus. He knew, realistically, that Magnus wouldn't have the strength to wake up very soon. But what if those horrible sounding breaths would stop altogether? What if…?

"That message you sent us… sort of freaked us out." (He didn't remember sending one.) Jace didn't give him the chance to protest. "Just a timeout, okay? Fifteen minutes." He remembered that concept far very well from their childhood. "Clary will stay here in the meantime. Magnus won't be alone."

That was some small comfort. But didn't make leaving any easier, even if Alec knew that Jace had a strong point. He would've kissed Magnus if he could've. Instead he lay a gentle hand against the dancer's cheek. No matter how out of it he was, Magnus leaned instinctively to the touch.

Alec couldn't recognize his own voice when he whispered. "I'll… I'll be right back, I promise. I love you."

Alec followed Jace numbly, not really caring about where they were going. His brother didn't try to talk much, knowing him well enough to understand that he wasn't in the mood. It was Alec who broke the silence with a frown when he realized that Jace was leading him to the hospital's rooftop. "We're… not supposed to go there."

Jace smirked. "Not the first time I'm luring you to stuff we're not supposed to do. Remember how mad mom was after I snuck us to that club when we were fifteen?"

Alec snorted. He remembered all too well, despite the crushing hangover he suffered the following day. "She wasn't mad. She was disappointed."

"Loudly."

And then they were outside, in fresh air. For a few minutes they stood there in a deep, thoughtful silence. "You know why I took you here?" Jace didn't look like he'd been expecting an answer. "Because I regret not making you do something years ago. When you were… having a hard time with other things." (Such as developing more or less real feelings for his adoptive brother…)

Alec frowned, not comprehending.

"Scream", Jace advised like it was the simplest thing in the world. Seeing his incredulous expression, the blond shrugged. "I'm no therapist but I can tell that you need it. And here no one else will hear you. So go for it."

Alec found the whole idea ridiculous. But Jace was right. He did need it.

On the evening when they told everyone about Magnus's cancer Alec muffled his shout with a fist. Since then he'd simply held it back. Now… He finally let it all out. And howled at the top of his lungs out of sheer agony.

/

Clary could still remember the first time she met Magnus clearly. She was eight, and her mom talked her into starting dancing lessons. Her mom never admitted as much but Clary guessed that it was in hopes that she'd get more friends than just Simon.

Her mom refused to reveal how she knew Magnus. (It was the dancer himself who much later told her that he was her mom's patient.) Clary was taken aback when she encountered a young man in his very late teens with spiked up hair and plenty of makeup. Then he saw her and gave her a smile she couldn't help but answer to. In an instant she knew that he was someone she could trust and lean on for support. Over the years he became something like a surrogate big brother to her.

Now she took his hand in hers and squeezed carefully. Seeing him so weak and unwell scared her after all the years she'd childishly assumed that he was somehow invincible. "Do you… Do you remember what you said to me, about my dancing?" Because she did, every single word.

/ "I'm sorry, Biscuit", he sighed after the twentieth lesson to which she participated. By then his other students had left and it was just the two of them present. "I'm afraid that dancing may not be your strongest area." (Of course she'd figured out that much already.) "But I've been thinking about that sketchbook you showed me. You'll become something spectacular one day." /

Clary swallowed laboriously. "You were the first one who believed in my skills as an artist. Who understood that it wasn't just some silly hobby I'd grow out of." She looked towards his face, but no matter how much she hoped his eyes didn't open. Hers grew blurry. "You've… You've always understood me. You've always been there for me when I've needed you. And…" She had to wipe her face with her free hand. "And I'm still going to need you, because… Jace and I… We're… trying." She couldn't quite believe that she was considering becoming a mom. "I have Jace and Luke, but… I want you there, too. Because… We've gone through so much horrible stuff together." He stood by her when her mom died, and when Luke got shot on duty. This time she didn't try to wipe away the tears. "And I don't… I can't lose you now, when we finally have so much good waiting. For both of us."

She wanted Magnus to be there when she'd hopefully open her own gallery in less than a year. So she could finally thank him properly for believing in her and helping her. She wanted him to be the doting god-dad of the baby she might also have fairly soon. And she wanted to see Magnus and Alec get married. She wanted to see them start a family of their own. Surely fate owed them that much happiness after everything it'd put them through?

Clary was startled out of those thoughts when she felt the older man shudder. Shouldn't movement have been a positive thing? So why did a horrible, cold feeling swell in her stomach? "Magnus?"

/

By the time Alec and Jace returned a chaos was raging. Alec's knees nearly gave out when he saw all the medical professionals working on Magnus. Clary stood in the hallway, tears rolling down her cheeks and her whole body trembling. "He… He had a seizure", she managed to explain. "And his fever… It spiked again."

Alec couldn't say anything to that when he was barely able to process the new information. He felt a ridiculous, unwarranted slash of jealousy when he caught from the corner of his eye how Jace pulled Clary to a hug. What he would've given if he could've embraced Magnus. If he could've had his boyfriend in his arms, healthy.

It took ages and a chilling cocktail of medication before Magnus's condition was finally declared somewhat stable. Even after that Alec couldn't exactly relax. After studying far more information than he should've the teacher was unfortunately aware of how dangerous a case of pneumonia could be. Especially to someone with a weakened immune system. And true enough, before long the nightmare darkened still.

Magnus no longer seemed to respond properly to any of the antibiotics given to him. Whenever there was a brief waken moment the dancer wasn't lucid. Alec spent most of two or three nights wide awake beside him. Through those pitch-black hours his boyfriend struggled to just breathe, even with additional oxygen, while the fever and infection raged. When the older man whimpered something that sounded like 'mom', then smiled with a tear running down his cheek, Alec's heart nearly stopped beating.

"Don't…!" Alec choked on his words and the tears he wasn't about to let loose. (This wasn't a moment for crying, this was a moment for fighting.) "Don't do this, please." He swallowed thickly but wasn't able to chase away the lump in his throat. "I've… I've seen what the world without you is like, and…" He shook his head firmly, even if his boyfriend couldn't see it. "I don't want that world. Not again. So, please don't… Don't leave me alone."

Alec fell asleep soon after. Because one can only go without any rest for so long, especially when emotionally overwhelmed. He woke up to the sensation of a twitch and jolted sharply to awareness. What if it was another seizure?

Instead of a new crushing setback, however, he found a familiar pair of dark eyes looking at him. They were hazy and half-lidded, still full of ache and feverish gleam. But they definitely recognized him. Seeing him awake, Magnus began to tug at the oxygen mask sitting on his face, so determinedly that there would've been no words strong enough to stop the efforts. "… heard you … sounded so sad and scared…", the older man rasped barely audibly. "… love you, too, and… when time's right … say 'yes' … 'course I'll say yes …"

Alec wasn't able to do anything but smile through the tears that filled his eyes.

It didn't look like Magnus would manage to stay awake for long. And the dancer definitely wasn't supposed to keep the mask off his face. But stubbornness was stronger than common sense or physical limitations. "… day is it?"

Alec frowned, wondering briefly if Magnus's thoughts weren't working straight. Then, very slowly, it dawned on him. His chest clenched. "It's… September twelfth."

Magnus's finger rubbed the hand holding his. The look aimed his way was full of a breathtaking amount of love. "Happy Birthday, Alexander." With those quiet words the man fell asleep.

An hour, perhaps two, later Alec had to leave the room. Because he was overwhelmed and he was determined to spare Magnus from having to hear or even sense it this time. He froze when he made it to the hallway.

All their friends and his mother were there. Jace nodded towards the cake made of cupcakes Clary held. "We… get that you don't feel like celebrating. But… We wanted to do this much, at least."

After Alec was a little boy only Magnus and Izzy had ever seen him cry. Jace had come close once or twice. Handling his emotions and letting others see them weren't the teacher's strong forte. But at that very moment… In the face of all that support, realizing how much of a birthday miracle it was that the man he loved was still alive today… Alec just couldn't hold it back any longer. He burst into silent, proud tears of stress, exhaustion, fear, pain, affection and relief. It spoke a lot about how far he'd come as a person over the past few years that he didn't protest the hugs he received.

When Alec eventually took the LED candle that'd been balancing on one of the cupcakes and switched it off, he only had one wish.

/

Magnus's condition didn't improve magically. The fever took almost two more days to break fully and afterwards the dancer was still extremely weak. Yet he did get better, slowly but surely.

After making it through such a horrific scare it was entirely too easy to forget that there was another, even more severe problem still brewing. With the chemo brought to a forced halt, the tumor inside Magnus's head had the chance to gather strength and grow. While it was too big to begin with. Or alternatively, by some miracle, the new and improved treatment might've had the time to make the tumor shrink just enough. The couple was reminded of the still unsolved problem mercilessly when Magnus was given a date and time for a new scan.

Roughly three weeks after the dancer was discharged they were in their living room, waiting for a phone call about the results. Magnus was still very tired and didn't exactly have the strength for much, so he was more than content to lay with his head in Alec's lap. Needing something to do for his restless hands, the younger man began to massage both sides of his boyfriend's head. He could tell that the throbbing in Magnus's skull didn't really disappear entirely for even a moment anymore. (Despite never hearing a word of complaint.) Maybe he could ease it a little bit.

A chuckle erupted from Alec when the dancer emitted a loud, low moan and closed his eyes. It was silly, really. But he was pleased to elicit such a response after how long it was from when they last gave each other… pleasure. "Feels good, huh?"

"Mmm." It was an even better reward to feel Magnus relax for the first time in forever. Pain and general discomfort disappeared for a few fleeting moments. "You have magical hands."

Alec smirked. Forgetting the reason he was doing what he was doing and their excruciating wait for a while. "You've told me that before", he teased.

Magnus smirked back and cracked one eye half-open to look up at him. "If I recall correctly… We've also called other parts of each other's bodies… magical."

Alec felt color rise to his cheeks while blood rushed to the mentioned body part, as though it'd been summoned to action.

About twenty tranquil minutes later the phone started ringing and they both tensed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… What do you think was Alec's favorite birthday present? (sniffles) Aaaw! But oh dear… We're ALMOST at the end of this story. What will happen in the next chapter?
> 
> AND, most importantly… Did you like the chapter? Thoughts, comments, rants…? PLEASE, do drop a line or two! I LOVE hearing from you.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: In the past Magnus and Malec are on the mend. The progress culminates to Alec learning the most heartbreaking part of his boyfriend's past. In present time Magnus makes a difficult decision. Everyone, especially Alec, wait anxiously while the last possible hand with any hope is played.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you'll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	9. How We Played Our Last Hand…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past Magnus and Malec are on the mend. The progress culminates to Alec learning the most heartbreaking part of his boyfriend’s past. In present time Magnus makes a difficult decision. Everyone, especially Alec, wait anxiously while the last possible hand with any hope is played.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when I imagined that I'd already typed the longest chapter this story is going to have… BOOM! (chuckles) It turned out this chapter wanted to keep growing.
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for the love, support and ESPECIALLY the reviews! DANG, it feels good that you're out there, reading this. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay… Are you SURE you're ready? Because here we go, and it'll be a fairly emotional journey…
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE FLASHBACK PART: More or less subtle mentions of rape and child abuse.

/ Magnus recovered, with time, physical therapy and Alec's eager care. Their relationship was also on the mend. The therapy they had individually and for the first time together helped. They learned to communicate and became more open with each other. Or so Alec assumed, until months later he noticed alarming signs.

Magnus couldn't sleep and whenever he imagined that Alec wasn't looking a sad, haunted expression took over his face. He insisted that he was fine but Alec wasn't buying the act anymore. It scared him, and as happened far too often when he was afraid Alec's first instinct was to lash out. He wanted to demand what was wrong until he'd get answers. He wanted to ask if Magnus still wasn't able to trust him, after all.

But it turned out that Alec had grown up with Magnus's help, as well as Jocelyn's. Instead of attacking verbally he waited, even if it took far more patience than he actually had. When that didn't work out he approached his boyfriend as calmly as he could manage. "I love you. And I know that something's wrong. I need you to talk to me. We… We're supposed to talk about things, now, remember?"

At first Magnus looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Then, not unsteady only because of crutches, the dancer made his way to the infamous box. (The bitter fight involving it was still far too fresh in Alec's memory.) Soon Magnus sat slowly and gave him an old photograph, one that'd obviously been handled a lot. It was of a beautiful young woman.

Alec didn't quite understand what the photograph had to do with… anything. But he knew that if he wanted his boyfriend to open up, there was no rushing this. "Who is she?" he asked softly. She looked… oddly familiar, in a way.

Magnus swallowed thickly, eyes on the picture. "My mother. Today… It's the anniversary of her death."

Alec felt a stab of ache. While he knew that his boyfriend's mom had died when the dancer was a child he hadn't known the exact date. "Magnus, I'm…"

Magnus shook his head, his gaze lingering somewhere far away. "This time of the year… It just… brings back the memories."

Alec nodded and wanted to ask a million questions but kept his lips pressed together tightly.

Eventually Magnus went on, his voice quiet and hollow. "My biological father was my mother's teacher. He… used her, for months. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone, especially after he convinced her that she wanted it all. When she got pregnant she was fourteen, traumatized and ashamed. Her family abandoned her. Then my stepfather came along. He gave her a home and years later married her. Whenever he was drunk he said that it was out of pity, but… I think he loved her in his own way." The man sank into memories. "He couldn't stand me. Mainly because of the way I was conceived." It wasn't until the dancer wiped his eyes Alec noticed the tears. "I didn't care what he thought. Or what other people thought when they saw us. All that mattered to me was that my mother loved me." By then the tears were starting to fall. (It was the first time Alec saw his boyfriend cry.) "I… I thought that she loved me. Until I was nine and found her after she took her own life. And, shortly after that… I found her diaries." Magnus breathed in deep before he was able to speak again. "She wrote about how hard she tried to love me. But… Every time she looked at me… She saw my father, and what he did to her. She saw the seed of a monster. And… Eventually she couldn't take it. Couldn't stand the sight of me, or her own shame." The dancer choked out a sob. "She killed herself, because of me and what I reminded her of."

Alec's mouth opened but shock rendered him speechless. Tears almost filled his own eyes. It was impossible to even imagine the pain, grief and loneliness Magnus must've been through.

The story wasn't over. "My stepfather let me live with him. He said that I was his bane because no one else wanted such a disgusting creature." Magnus gulped to hold back sobs. "By the time we moved from Indonesia he was drinking almost constantly. Whenever he drank, he remembered my mother. And, well…" The older man bowed his head. "Those scars on my back… are some of those he gave me, whenever I and memories of my mother got too much to bear." It took quite long before Magnus managed to continue. "I was thirteen when he drank himself to death. And… It turned out he was wrong." A bitter chuckle bubbled out. "A lot of people wanted to offer me a home. Or to the money I inherited, at least. He left all he had to me because no matter how much he hated me, he had no one else." The dancer shrugged. "I chose to look after myself. Better that than to have people who didn't care do it. Years later I changed my surname to Bane in… loving memory of my stepfather."

Alec's head spun while it attempted to digest what he just heard. Nausea bubbled in his stomach. Eventually he reached out a tender hand and lifted his boyfriend's chin with it. "Hey." He went on when slowly, slowly the dancer's tear-filled eyes rose to meet his. "I'm… I'm sorry that your mother couldn't see past what happened to her. Because, if she did… She would've seen how amazing her son is. She would've seen that you're the furthest thing from a monster."

Magnus didn't say anything. Alec could only hope that his words made it through. Desperate to offer further comfort, he pulled Magnus to a tight, tender embrace. Determined to try and radiate all the love the older man went without for far too long.

It wasn't until hours later Magnus finally found his voice. What came out was barely audible. "Thank you."

Something changed between them permanently on that day, for the better. /

/

Magnus was called to the doctor's office. Alec's heart pounded so fast that it didn't seem healthy while he sat beside his boyfriend. He did his best to follow Dr. Cooper's words that barely made sense to him.

The tumor had finally responded to the treatment. Not as much as they'd hoped but enough allow another attempt to remove it. However, there were a lot of risks involved. The tumor's reduced size didn't fix the problem that it was at a nightmarishly challenging spot. Dr. Cooper didn't sugarcoat the reality that great many things could go wrong. Badly.

The second option was to continue with other treatment methods, mainly chemo. But considering the toll the treatment so far already taken on the dancer… It was highly unlikely that he'd be able to take the dosages defeating the tumor entirely would require. Based on all test results it didn't look like just chemo would be enough of a cure, anyway.

So Magnus faced an unfair decision – a surgery that might have disastrous results, or an almost certain death.

And not for the first time since the whole horror story began Alec felt like the world was shaking to its core.

Magnus didn't look like he was breathing for a little while. Before the man emitted a brief chuckle. "Some choices I've got, there."

"Magnus, this isn't funny!" Alec snapped unhelpfully, anxiety transforming to anger entirely too easily.

Dr. Cooper cleared his throat. "I'll… give you two a moment alone."

Magnus smiled wryly at him, obviously not even noticing the doctor's departure. "Would you prefer I act as terrified as I feel right now?" The look softened soon. "Alec, of course I'll go through with the surgery. I rather take that risk than wait for a slow, bitter end. I'm not ready to leave you yet."

Alec did the only thing any human being possibly could in that situation. He kissed Magnus. With absolutely everything he had.

/

The surgery was scheduled to take place exactly one month before Magnus's birthday. As little as Alec wanted to even think about a… negative outcome… He couldn't stop himself. Especially with how frank Dr. Cooper was about all the risks.

What if Magnus wouldn't make it through? What if he'd lose his ability to function, eyesight or something else? What if the man who woke up wouldn't be the same who went to forced sleep?

As it turned out he wasn't the only one with such fears. One evening a few days before the operation Alec was looking for an extra blanket for his boyfriend when he found something that made his stomach knot. A pile of envelopes, hidden almost perfectly. A name was written on each of them.

Isabelle… Jace… Clary… Raphael… Alexander…

Alec fought very hard to not let anger be his first response. To not feel furious and betrayed, to not see the letters as a sign of giving up. He absolutely shouldn't have opened his. But he'd always been too nosy for his own good.

'Dear Alexander (and I've never meant that endearment more in my life),

Please forgive me for writing this. I truly hope that you'll never have to read this, because leaving you isn't my intention. But there are things that I need to say, that I need you to know, just in case. While I still can.

We never got the chance to get married. But it doesn't change the fact that you're the only person I could ever imagine spending my whole life with. No one's ever made me feel happier and more complete. Thank you, for loving me and showing me that I can be loved. Thank you for fighting with me and for me.

Remember that you were the love of my life. And that I'll never, ever really leave you. And especially remember that I want you to be ridiculously happy, because someone as amazing as you deserves nothing less.

With all my love,

Magnus'

Alec felt so much all at once that his whole body and mind shut down. He stared at the written words with uncomprehending eyes and wondered why they were blurry. Then, decision made, he put the letter back to its original spot and walked to the bed.

Magnus stirred when he wrapped the recently retrieved blanket around the dancer. A pair of bleary, half open eyes peered up at him. "'s wrong?"

The adorable sleepy voice made the lump in Alec's throat grow. He shook his head. "Nothing's wrong. I just… I think I need a nap, too."

Magnus was very obviously suspicious. But also too exhausted to interrogate further. Magnus sighed happily when Alec lay down and gathered the smaller man to his arms.

Alec squeezed his eyes tightly closed and rested his chin on his boyfriend's head. "I love you", he whispered. Almost sure that the older man was asleep but needing to say it. "So much." I won't lose you. I can't.

"I love you, too", Magnus murmured back.

/

They couldn't exactly avoid telling the others about the operation. But they left out great many details, because Magnus didn't want everyone to start panicking. Perhaps their friends guessed something, anyway. Because Raphael, of all people, suggested having a get-together.

On the evening before the surgery the whole gang planned to gather to a penthouse apartment they'd all learned to consider something like a spare-home. Magnus wasn't having one of his better days. In fact, just hours before the others were supposed to arrive he was so pained and nauseous that Alec suggested calling off the whole thing. Magnus refused firmly, adamant to not let the illness win again. And by the time the first of their friends walked through the door he was able to greet them with a smile. He was both comforted and exasperated upon feeling Alec's worried eyes watching him like those of a hawk.

Despite his pride, a few hours and several… emotional one-on-one talks later Magnus was forced to admit to himself that he was growing drained. The nausea from earlier was making a vicious comeback. The apartment's noise also did his constantly throbbing skull no favors.

Magnus looked towards where a wide-eyed Alec was captivated by one of Ragnor's great many tales, of which it was impossible to tell whether they were actually true or not. Sure that no one noticed his momentary escape, the dancer slipped to the balcony. He arched a brow when he found Clary there. "So I'm not the only one who needed to step outside for a moment." He frowned. "Are you alright?"

Clary was startled by his sudden arrival. She nodded as soon as she'd recovered, a hand on her stomach. "Yeah. I just… needed some fresh air."

Magnus's suspicions were confirmed. A smile took over his lips while all worries and feeling miserable floated away. "Congratulations, Biscuit", he murmured softly, not wanting anyone to hear accidentally when she clearly wasn't ready to share yet. "You're going to be an amazing mother."

Clary's eyes widened. Some color rose to her pale cheeks. "What…?"

Magnus scoffed fondly. "Did you really imagine that I wouldn't notice? It's hard to miss how you're glowing."

Moving so quickly that it would've had him defensive if it was almost anyone else, Clary pulled him to a hug. And held on so tightly that it made his heart ache. "Magnus…" She trailed off, clearly not knowing how to set her words.

That was alright, she didn't need to voice them, anyway. Magnus hugged her back. "I know", he reassured gently. Which was enough to make her cry.

"I hate all these hormones", Clary muttered once she'd composed herself a little.

Magnus chuckled and rubbed her back soothingly.

They began to break the embrace when they heard Jace's voice. "See? I told you that there's no reason to panic."

Magnus turned his head just in time to see his boyfriend's shoulders sag in relief. Alec's face betrayed nothing but the miniscule gesture spoke volumes to someone who knew him inside out. The dancer bit back a wince of guilt and gave Jace a grateful look. The blond nodded back with a tiny smile that was as warm as sad.

Jace's full attention was then on Clary. One caring hand took her shoulder, the other strayed to her stomach. "Let's give these two some privacy. And I'll get you a glass of water." Clary relented to the request once her husband had assured her that she looked perfect, not like she'd been crying.

Once the couple had left familiar, strong arms wrapped around Magnus and pulled him close. "There you are", Alec sighed. The quiet voice was almost enough to mask the relief and the worry preceding it.

Magnus made himself as comfortable as he could against his beloved's body. "Here I am", he confirmed. For a moment they just stood there, soaking in the feel of one another. "Maybe we should go back inside. You're shivering." Of course he knew that the cool evening air had nothing to do with that.

"In a minute." Alec readjusted his hold and it wasn't until the younger man went on Magnus figured out why. "I love this song."

A few years ago the subtle request would've surprised Magnus. But at that moment he could feel how much they both needed the dance. "Dancing to nonexistent music? Have I transformed you to a hopeless romantic?" he teased lovingly.

Alec snorted, clearly not insulted. "I don't know what you're talking about. Of course there's music. Can't you hear it?" A kiss was planted to his forehead. "Where's your sense of adventure?"

"Since I met you my life's been one great adventure." Magnus closed his eyes and inhaled Alec's scent when the headache threatened to get too much. "Now shh, I think I hear it, too."

So they danced. For a few stolen minutes of escape from the reality they swayed softly to the imaginary music. Held on to each other for dear life. Neither said a word.

Almost. Alec whispered so softly that the older man nearly missed it. "You've been my greatest adventure, too. And… I want it to continue for a long time."

Magnus tightened his hold.

/

The following morning Alec sat valiantly beside Magnus while his boyfriend was prepped for the surgery, even if he didn't want to see any of it. He still refused to accept that the whole thing could end in tragedy. But he was determined to stay by his beloved's side for as long as he could.

Neither man talked much. They'd already said everything they needed to. The nurse working on Magnus seemed to understand and aside explaining what was happening didn't attempt to engage them in a conversation.

Alec liked to imagine that he held himself together remarkably well. Until the nurse started to take Magnus out of the room. Her move ruined their original plan of leaving simultaneously, like they did the previous time. Because suddenly the younger man was frozen to the spot. "Wait!" Alec reached out blindly but nonetheless managed to find his boyfriend's hand. He latched on tightly and a vague, still sane part of him hoped that the hold wasn't painful. "Just… Can you… Can you wait?" He knew that he was being ridiculous. But there was a horrible, nagging voice in the back of his head saying that this might be the last time he'd ever see the love of his life and… and… and…

The nurse decided to have mercy on him. "I forgot to grab some papers. I'll be back in a minute." With those words she left them alone.

As soon as she was gone Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus, firmly enough to make clear that he never wanted to let go. (They agreed on not exchanging a kiss goodbye, because it would've felt like a bad omen. But they never said anything about a hug.) His mind was in a state of chaos while he struggled to express what he wanted to say. He closed his eyes. "Magnus, don't… I can't…"

"Shh." A tender hand combed through his hair. "Yes, you can. It's alright. Everything's going to be okay." Yet he could feel how rapidly the dancer's heart was beating from terror. "Do you think you can move now?" Alec shook his head. They both gathered themselves for a while before Magnus continued softly. "If you can't watch just keep your eyes closed. Don't look."

Alec shuddered when the room's door opened and the nurse returned. He couldn't concentrate enough to comprehend what Magnus murmured to her. Especially after his boyfriend broke their embrace, gently but resolutely.

It was time.

A familiar hand caressed Alec's cheek and a pitiable little whimper left the teacher when he leaned against the touch. Feeling a new bout of panic, he attempted to grab the hand but it was already gone. His eyes flew open seconds after the door closed again and Magnus had been taken away.

It wasn't until almost half an hour later Alec's feet listened to his commands to leave the room. After asking for directions twice he succeeded in locating the waiting room. This time he knew to expect that the rest of his and Magnus's gang would be there. They made it adamantly clear that they'd come to support the two of them, because it was where their minds would be, anyway.

The moment he entered all eyes were on him and he tensed up under the unwanted attention. Simon gulped, a fraction of Alec's anxiety reflected in the musician's eyes. "So… They got started, huh?"

Alec nodded. "Yeah. He… seemed to be holding up okay." He wasn't planning on telling them how scared Magnus was under the façade of calm. That the possibly final emotion the man he loved and they all cared about experienced was fear. (He didn't want to even think about it.)

"And how are you holding up?" Ragnor inquired, eyebrows furrowed with genuine concern.

Alec shook his head.

/

The surgery took far longer than the first one a lifetime ago. Each agonizingly long minute was pure torture. Still, the longer it lasted the more a tiny part of Alec wondered if the waiting was better than knowing. As long as there was uncertainty the worst possible reality hadn't come to pass.

Then a nurse who appeared either exhausted or sad came, asking him to follow her.

Alec froze. Entirely, his breathing included. He could've sworn that in his chest even his heart stilled for a while. The whole room spun while he fought to not crumble entirely.

Until Jace stood beside him. Said that he'd come along, placed a hand on his shoulder. It helped ground Alec enough to allow him to move.

They were led to a tiny, nauseatingly cozy room. (It had to have been designed for sharing the worst of news.) Dr. Cooper sat there waiting. Hard as he tried, Alec couldn't read the look on the doctor's face.

Dr. Cooper sighed. "We… need to talk about how the surgery went. Maybe you should sit down?"

Alec slumped down. Because his body couldn't handle staying upright any longer. Jace followed him to the couch far more slowly, alarm on his rapidly paling face.

Dr. Cooper took a deep breath. "We knew from the beginning that the operation would be a risky and complex one. And, with how long it took… You might've already guessed that there were complications." The doctor steeled himself. "Magnus had a seizure, and not much later his vitals acting up gave us a scare. There was also bleeding we struggled to get under control."

Alec felt like he was sinking into ice-cold water. He couldn't breathe at all anymore. The pressure squeezing his chest and the searing sensation in his eyes were unbearable.

Dr. Cooper went on. The man's voice floated to his mind as though through a long tunnel. "Magnus did make it through the surgery. But his condition is still considered critical. Right now he needs help with breathing. We'll try and see if he can do without once he seems well enough for it." (The 'if' was horribly audible.) "At the moment swelling is my main concern. Because of it we're also keeping a close eye on possible future seizures."

Alec's mind filtered out a lot of details. All his head registered properly and managed to process was that Magnus was still alive. (Alive, alive, alive.) He tried to start breathing again with the possibly futile hope that realization gave him.

"What about the tumor?" Jace asked tentatively.

Dr. Cooper pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers, very clearly tired. "I'm fairly confident that we got it all out, but brain tumors are notoriously difficult. There'll be regular control scans and other tests. For now… Let's just take one step at a time." That, if anything, proved how critical and uncertain things still were. The operation itself was only one part of the battle. Its possible repercussions were a brand new war.

Alec swallowed convulsively. Worked his hardest to pull himself together. "Before… You said that there were… risks…" His head had hard time trying to set the question. "Do you think there was any… damage?" Clumsy, but better than snarling 'Did you damage his brain?'…

Dr. Cooper gave him a look of apology and sympathy. "I wish that I could answer you, but… It's impossible to predict before Magnus wakes up. We just have to wait for when he's ready to do that." (There was that unvoiced 'if' again…)

Alec tried to take it all in. He couldn't. "I need to see him." He didn't think he'd ever needed anyone or anything more in his life.

Dr. Cooper nodded understandingly. "He's being settled to the ICU right now. You'll get to see him as soon as it's possible."

Alec didn't know if he thanked the doctor, or said another word after that. He couldn't remember walking out of the room. He did remember punching the hallway's wall, hard, because the attack was the only thing restraining him from screaming. Jace stood behind him as a silent pillar of support, not trying to touch him or stop him.

After everything, even with the tumor gone, Magnus might still…

Alec fought to pull in shallow breaths and had to use all his willpower to not result to another punch. In the end the two of them walked back to the waiting room together, neither saying a word. Jace didn't comment even if his brother happened to notice the tears shining in Alec's eyes.

/

It took maddeningly long before a nurse finally came to get Alec. This time he had to go alone. Someone in as fragile condition as the dancer could only have one visitor at a time.

Alec barely managed to convince himself into stepping through the door when he saw Magnus. It wasn't the first time he had to face his boyfriend in a hospital. But all the tubes, wires and machinery… Seeing such a vibrant person so utterly still… Knowing that no one could tell when or if Magnus would wake up… All those unwanted facts nearly crushed Alec.

But Magnus fought with all he had to make it that far, and Alec decided firmly that now it was his turn to fight.

He sat down slowly and tensely. After a long hesitation his hand grabbed the dancer's cautiously. When nothing bad happened he dared to let his fingers move, careful to not disturb any of those about a million things attached to Magnus.

Alec gulped and defied the lump in his throat to find a fraction of his voice. "Dr. Cooper, he… He thinks he got the whole tumor out", he announced. It didn't come out as cheerily as he'd hoped. (It was incredibly hard to feel positive when the reality of things was that Magnus might still slip away, or come back as a shell of himself.) "We're… We're so close to winning this battle. I need you to know that."

There wasn't even the slightest sign indicating that Magnus would've heard him. More or less steady bleeps reported the man's vitals. The hissing of another machine pushed much needed oxygen into a body that'd been through too much.

Alec risked tightening his hold on the hand in his. He wasn't aware of the moisture gathering to his eyes. "This whole thing is almost over. I promise. So… I need you to hold on."

Magnus did seem to hold on. A couple of days later the machine breathing for the dancer was taken away. As the next step some changes were made to medication. With his infuriatingly limited medical knowledge Alec gathered that the medical staff was waiting to see if Magnus would start regaining consciousness.

He didn't.

First hours, then days crawled by and nothing happened. The frowns and murmurs in the hallway revealed all too clearly that the people treating Magnus were worried about the lack of progress. Eventually Alec came to a horrifying realization.

If Magnus wouldn't start waking up or at least improving soon it was highly likely that he never would.

Close to midnight of the day when that understanding dawned Alec sat practically glued to the by then too familiar chair. At that point he couldn't force himself to be careful and squeezed his boyfriend's hand desperately. "I know that you love dramatic entrances, but… This is…" He trailed off with a choked gasp and wiped his eyes. "You're taking too long, and… Everyone's worried. Dr. Cooper… I think he's starting to give up. And I… I need you to prove him wrong. I need you to show him that… that you're stubborn enough to make it back. Because I know you are."

Only the machinery answered him. Along with talking and clattering from the hallway. The hand in his remained still and worryingly cold.

That hand wasn't enough comfort anymore. Alec reached out unsteady fingers and ran them across Magnus's cheek, as gently as he could. "I know that you've already fought hard. But… Just this once more, please. Wake up for me."

Those words didn't have the desired magical impact. So Alec tried again, some tears falling freely. His next words were left echoing to the room, or perhaps only to his own head.

"Please come back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to join Alec in that final plea…? (whimpers) We're THIS close to the end of this story. Will it be a happy or a tragic one…?
> 
> SOOOO… Thoughts? Comments? Tirades…? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS makes typing these tales even more awesome.
> 
> (Also, who else has been freaked out by the official 3B trailer…?)
> 
> IN THE NEX ONE: Flashbacks reveal what happened in the aftermath of the surgery. Did Magnus wake up or slip away?
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that you'll join in for the conclusion of this tale.
> 
> Take care!


	10. Aku Cinta Kamu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks reveal what happened in the aftermath of the surgery. Did Magnus wake up or slip away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about posting this chapter tomorrow. Buuuut… I figured that you might sort of want to know how this story ends already today, soooo… Here we are. Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your love and affection to this story! Especially for those AMAZING comments and breaking the limit of 100 kudoses! This has been a VERY emotionally rough ride. It means the world to me that you've all stuck through it all. (HUGS)
> 
> So… When I first started typing this story I had two pretty much opposite endings in mind. The further I got, the more one of them solidified in my head. Which one was it? Is that chapter title a good or bad omen? (gulps)
> 
> Are you ready? Because, for better or for worse… Here we go!

/ When Dr. Cooper sat Alec down to his office the teacher knew to expect something unpleasant. Especially after the doctor's warning. "This is going to be difficult to hear." The words he had to listen to were worse than what he braced himself for. "It's been a while, now, and… Magnus's level of consciousness has barely improved. There's no bleeding in his brain anymore, we've kept a close eye on that. But despite everything we've done the swelling has worsened. We started suspecting that an infection somewhere around the operated on area contributes to that. The latest test results support that theory. To add to that strain, lately he has shown signs of an early stage of pneumonia." The doctor seemed apologetic. "Alec… Magnus has been fighting hard and we've done our best to help him. But… This may be the point where it's getting too much. If he doesn't start responding to the treatment soon, we may have to consider how much more we can put him through."

The world spun in front of Alec's eyes. The weight crashing on his chest made it nearly impossible to keep breathing. "Are you… Are you saying that you're going to give up?" Of course he'd seen how the health issues continued to pile up, even if he didn't want to. But to have his worst fears beginning to come to life like this…

Dr. Cooper's eyes filled with sadness. "I'm so sorry that I have to prepare you for this. But according to all tests… It seems less and less likely that Magnus will recover enough to wake up. And if he somehow would, it'd be even more unlikely that he'd be the same person he was." /

/

Alec's hands trembled pitiably while he wrestled with a tie. Over the years he'd learned a great deal about controlling his emotions but stress still made him clumsy. He figured that today, if ever, he had a good reason to experience stress.

Izzy took pity on him. "Let me help. You know you're hopeless with those things." In a matter of just a few moments she had the disaster he'd succeeded in creating under control. As soon as she did she pulled him to a hug. He tensed up for a second or two before returning the embrace.

Eventually Izzy broke the silence which followed. "Alright." She wiped her eyes. As though by magic her makeup was still perfect afterwards. "Ready or not… Let's go. We're already late."

/

/ "Magnus, you're… You're late." Alec didn't care if someone might walk in to see the tears in his eyes. He couldn't wipe them away when both of his hands were busy with clutching at one of Magnus's limp, lifeless ones. Eventually one drop of moisture escaped, soon to be accompanied by another. "So you… You have to hurry up. Because… Dr. Cooper told me that I may have to say goodbye to you, and I can't…" He shook his head. "Magnus, please, I can't…! Don't leave me."

Earlier there'd been no response to his pleas. Now that wasn't the case. Alec jumped when his boyfriend's whole body shuddered. "Magnus?"

Then the machinery keeping an eye on Magnus's vitals went wild, and soon there was a storm of people swarming around the unconscious man, pushing Alec out of the room. /

/

Neither sibling spoke much during the ride to a tiny but beautiful church, which seemed to shine in the middle of snow that fell unexpectedly less than a day earlier. They left the car and completed their slow journey across a hazardously slippery path. Jace was waiting for them by the building's entrance, trembling from cold. "I was starting to worry that you wouldn't show up."

Izzy scoffed. "Thanks for the vote of confidence. I told you I'd look after him." She went on without giving either man a chance to comment. "Is everything set?"

Jace nodded. "Yeah." The news anchor then focused on him, clearly noticing the emotional turmoil he couldn't quite keep under control. "Are you ready?"

Alec nodded slowly. His eyes were fixed firmly on the building's door while his thoughts whirred madly. He relived a million memories in a minute. "Yeah. I think so. I am, right?"

Jace lay a hand on his shoulder. "You're ready." His brother threw the door open, and Alec found it hard to breathe.

Alec began to feel dizzy while his siblings escorted him forward. He was determined to not look at the people gathered to the church because it would've shattered what little control he had over himself. So he directed his attention forward. The light of a beautiful day flooded inside, casting a nearly unearthly hue on everything. He felt like he was floating through a dream and increasingly lightheaded. When he finally reached the front of the church he nearly slumped to a seat until Jace's firm but gentle hand reminded him that he was supposed to remain standing. Stubbornly defying how feeble his legs felt, Alec straightened his tall frame to a nearly military like pose, hands brought behind his back.

After a small eternity the church's door opened again. Alec turned his head slowly, only dimly aware of how he'd began to tremble. When his gaze finally found the arrival he could only stare, wondering if he really was dreaming.

Magnus wore the same outfit the dancer had on him when they saw each other for the very first time. In the church's light the older man looked like a vision, something out of a fairytale or a fantasy novel. Too beautiful to be real.

If the look on Magnus's face was any indication the dancer thought exactly the same way about him. Their eyes locked. And both men smiled.

/

/ The wait for any sort of news was torturously long. When Dr. Cooper eventually delivered his update, Alec had hard time processing the words. Apparently Magnus's vitals went haywire because he started reacting to pain and general distress. (Much later, once the shock faded, Alec concluded that his pain and distress caused the reaction, not Magnus's own.) The doctor said something about unexpected development. About the brain swelling finally going down. How he shouldn't get his hopes up yet, because things were still unstable and critical. But…

Suddenly there was a hint of optimism in Dr. Cooper's eyes once more.

Late in the evening two endless days later Alec was dozing off after having spent who knows how many days and nights awake. He was drowsy enough to be startled by the tiniest of movements. He was instantly on full alert, slightly widened eyes staring at his boyfriend's face with a desperate anticipation. "Magnus? Can you hear me?"

It looked like the older man might, because he was frowning. Soon a tiny, barely audible groan escaped and the dancer's hand twitched again, too feeble to actually rise. After almost three full hours and several false alarms Magnus's eyelids fluttered yet again. This time they opened halfway, only to be slammed closed when the room's light assaulted them. But clearly the man was still as stubborn as ever and tried again. Alec held his breath while the unfocused, exhausted gaze strayed aimlessly. Either unable to see or simply confused.

What if…?

Finally those dark eyes found him. Magnus stared, the frown deepening. Alec's chest burned from anxiety and lack of oxygen while fear grew. Then, incredibly slowly, his boyfriend's features softened. The hand Alec had been holding so much and for so long that he knew it better than his own did its best to squeeze back. "Hey", Magnus rasped. "… 'know that face."

Alec couldn't help it. He burst into sobs. "Hey", he barely managed. /

/

Magnus wasn't exactly slow when making his way towards the altar. But the pace wasn't fast enough for Alec. Eventually the teacher dashed to motion and met the dancer halfway through the journey, sealing the smaller man to a searing kiss that was full of pure love. Magnus wasted no time before responding to it with every little bit as much fire.

Someone chuckled and murmured that of course they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. More than one guest wiped their eyes. Jace snorted, but it wasn't enough to hide his affection. "We're not at that part yet!" the blond reminded them but was ignored.

All Alec and Magnus were aware of was each other. The younger man laughed breathlessly and brushed the other's cheek. Just to make sure that his beloved was really there. "Hey." He meant to say so much more but couldn't.

Magnus caressed his cheek as well. The smile on the man's face was the kind meant for him alone. "Hey." Somehow that single whispered word held as much tenderness as a second kiss. "Are you ready to get married?"

Alec looked at the love of his life. He realized yet again just how much of a gift it was that they had the chance to take this step together. And whatever jitters he might've had faded away while he answered quietly but honestly. "I've never been readier for anything in my life."

They made their way to the altar side by side, holding each other's hands tightly. Catarina took her place behind Magnus while a grinning Jace took a step closer to Alec. (There'd definitely be a lot teasing in the future. Alec didn't care.) Ragnor, who was about to wed them with the power vested in him by the internet, smirked. (The theater writer and Catarina had a more or less serious fight over which one would walk Magnus down the isle. The dancer brought the argument to a halt by announcing that he could very well walk a straight hallway on his own.) "So, you two… If you can keep your hands to yourselves long enough, let's get you married." Ragnor went on once the laughter echoing beautifully in the church died out. "I understood that you wanted to write your own vows. Alec?"

Alec… was rubbish when it came to grand speeches and declarations of affection. But he looked into those dark eyes and the words he'd practiced a million times came easily. Somewhat. "I'm… not good at… saying things like this, but… Magnus, before I met you… I didn't even know who I was. By then I'd lived in a lie for so long that I couldn't separate the person I tried to be from the real me. I'd even convinced myself that I'd never get what I wanted and that it was alright to live with a piece of me missing. Until you came along." He trailed off, realizing that if it wasn't for Magnus he might've continued that lonely, hollow existence for the rest of his so-called life. Instead he was promising to spend all his life with the only person who'd ever made him feel truly alive. "Thank you, for tearing apart everything I thought my life would be and making me happy. Thank you, for seeing me. And…" He felt choked when unpleasant memories filled his head and had to squeeze the dancer's hands tighter to convince himself that the man was still really there. (After everything that'd happened such a day of joy felt too good to be true.) "Thank you, for always finding your way back to me." His hand trembled when he slipped a wedding ring to place. He thought that he'd said everything he wanted to until he remembered the most important part. (Which he'd, admittedly, spent a long time rehearsing.) "Aku Cinta Kamu."

Magnus smiled, visibly touched. The older man didn't quite break down to tears but they shimmered in his shining eyes. (The one thing Alec was the proudest of achieving in his whole life was that he made someone so happy.) "You're great at saying things like that", the man whispered. Then spoke louder, so others could hear. "If I was told ten years ago that one day I'd meet someone like you, I wouldn't have believed it. For a long time I imagined that I'd never be loved. Eventually I was so convinced that I couldn't open my heart properly to anyone. I didn't even realize that I was sleepwalking through life. Until I saw you." The older man's eyes twinkled with amusement and fondness at the memories. "You arrived like a thunderstorm, and unlocked something in me. You shook me truly awake." A thumb that carried a ring rubbed his hand affectionately. "Thank you, for loving me and accepting all of me. Thank you, for never giving up on me and not letting me give up. We don't need to promise to have and to hold for better and for worse, we've seen it all. You're my light in the dark, and I promise to do my best to be the same for you." The dancer had to clear his throat before he managed to continue. "How could I not find my way back whenever I get lost? Look what I have waiting for me." The man wiped away a tear Alec hadn't even noticed was rolling down his own cheek. Then put a ring on his finger. "Aku Cinta Kamu, Alexander. Always."

There wasn't a completely dry eye in the whole church. Not that the couple would've noticed. Ragnor coughed and wiped his eyes so quickly that most people would've missed it. "I suppose this is the most pointless question I've ever asked. But do you…?"

"I do", Alec and Magnus announced simultaneously, cutting him short. Laughter, which held some tears, erupted. The two only had eyes for each other.

Ragnor rolled his eyes but the look on his face betrayed his true feelings. "Well… I did expect that. I think a quote from Shakespeare summarizes what these two just tried to say." The theater writer cleared his throat. "'Hear my soul speak: the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly to your service.'" The man then grinned, eyes shining from a suspicious amount of moisture. "I now pronounce you two married. And this is the part where you have the official permission to kiss."

The finally wedded pair wasted no time before jumping at the chance, with enough intensity to elicit whoops and chuckles from the audience they'd once again forgotten.

/

/ It was raining ridiculously heavily on the day Magnus and Alec met Dr. Cooper a few months after the dancer's more or less miraculous awakening. There'd been a lot of scans and other tests. And according to all of them the cancer was gone.

Outside the hospital the two men didn't even notice the rain pouring down on them while they kissed each other in a way they never had before. Feeling like they'd just been brought back to life. The second chance they'd almost lost hope on getting had them drunk from joy.

Eventually they had to break the kiss when lack of air became an issue. Panting against his boyfriend's lips, Alec came to a decision that it was finally time. "Magnus?" He licked his lips, suddenly nervous. Maybe it was too soon or too late… He didn't even have a damned ring…! "Will you marry me?"

"What?" At first Magnus's unexpected response made his heart plummet. Until he realized that the older man hadn't heard him from the rain and the heart their kiss had definitely left racing.

Alec looked into those eyes he came so very close to never seeing again. It gave him more than enough courage. "Will you marry me?"

Magnus stared at him, stunned, for so long that Alec began to grow worried. Until a smile lit up his beloved's whole face. "You already know my answer, remember?" (He did. But he hadn't realized that his boyfriend still remembered that day at the hospital.) "Of course I'll marry you."

They kissed again, more gently this time, even less aware of the horrible weather than before. /

/

After they'd been declared married and kissed thoroughly to seal the deal, Alec was finally able to pay attention to others. It was kind of hard not to, with everyone crowding around them to congratulate them. With the benefit of standing the closest, Ragnor was the first to pull them both to a hug at the same time. Not much later Magnus chuckled with Maia when her stomach, already great from who was most likely the first of several children, made it almost impossible for them to hug. Simon, who'd be responsible for their wedding reception's music, embraced them both tightly while babbling congratulations. Alec wondered if the musician noticed that he was glowing almost as much as Maia from the fast approaching parenthood. Jace and Clary, who were also glowing from parenthood, each held one tiny baby while embracing them. (Their twins, a boy with his dad's golden hair and mom's gentle eyes, and a girl with her mom's fiery hair and dad's intense glare, were baptized three months earlier. Everyone was certain that Stephen Xander and Hope Jocelyn would conquer the world one day if they so chose.) Max announced that they were nauseatingly syrupy and grinned when Magnus immediately fired back that he took that as a compliment. Izzy hugged them fiercely while Dr. Cooper, who'd definitely earned his invitation, settled for handshakes. (Watching the pair hold hands, Alec hoped that Izzy had also finally found her someone special.) Raphael shocked Alec with a hug. Catarina's tender embrace was far more expected and he found himself melting to it while she whispered how happy she was for them both. Luke hugged them quickly and patted their backs with the kind of a smile Alec couldn't remember seeing before on the police officer's face.

Despite all the years that'd passed Alec tensed up instinctively when Dot embraced Magnus. She seemed to notice, because she whispered in his ear during their hug. "Stop worrying. He's always been yours, even before he first saw you."

Alec relaxed and managed let all childish jealousy go, at least for the time being.

Then it was Maryse's turn. "My boys…" (Izzy's shocked face at the endearment would've been worth a picture.) "After hearing your vows, and seeing over the years how good you are to each other… It's more than I could've ever hoped for my child", she sighed, tears in her eyes. She clearly meant every word from the bottom of her heart. "Congratulations."

Magnus returned her smile with a warm one and wrapped an arm around Alec in a way that always made the younger man feel like he was home.

When Maryse retreated Alec watched with curiosity how Luke took a step closer to her. His fascination grew when he noticed how his mother's whole being responded to the man's approach. He could only hope that the unexpected development would lead to something good.

Then it was time to head to the wedding reception. The gang left the church. Only to discover the unwanted figure of Robert Lightwood standing a respectful distance away from the building. Magnus took a protective step closer to Alec and several of their guests moved evict the intruder.

Alec, however, shook his head. "I should've talked to him ages ago." He kissed Magnus's cheek. "I'll be back before you know it."

Magnus nodded, still tense. Even after how long they'd been together the protective energy radiating from the older man still made Alec's heart swell with warmth. (It felt incredibly good to have someone who cared about him so much.) "In the meantime I'll talk to Madzie. She's still upset that she won't get the first dance with either of us but maybe she'll accept a second one." It was adorable how much the girl loved them both. It was thanks to her Alec dreamed of adopting children of their own, one day.

Alec's steps were slow and reluctant when he made his way to Robert. His father spoke before he got the chance to. "I know that I'm not invited to the wedding. But… I wanted to see you." The man gave him a long look, almost like seeing him for the first time. "You look seem well. And content. It's… his doing, isn't it?"

Content? What an understatement… Alec nodded sharply. "It is", he confirmed tersely. "But it's not enough to make you accept him, is it?" When Robert couldn't answer, only seemed to expect an outburst, he shook his head. "I'm not angry. I wasted too much time on being mad at everyone and everything. Including you." They looked at each other. "I don't know why you came after all this time of not even trying to contact me. If it's out of duty or remorse, don't bother. You weren't there when you knew I would've needed you the most and I don't want you to be there for me now. I have everything I need and more. Maybe one day you can say the same." With those words he began to walk away and didn't look back. Snow rustled under his strong, confident footsteps. "Have a great life, Robert."

Magnus waited for him by the car that'd take them to the reception. There was a frown of worry on the dancer's face. "Are you alright?"

Alec nodded without any hesitation and kissed his husband soundly. (Husband. He'd never grow tired of that word.) "It's like I told him. I have everything I need and more."

Magnus smiled serenely and Alec decided that it was a sight he wanted to behold every day, for the rest of his life.

Not much later at Magnus's club Simon started his cover of Jason Mraz's 'I won't give up'. Magnus and Alec began to sway to their first dance as a married couple. Tangled together, they forgot that anything but the two of them and the song existed. And Alec smiled, because he'd never had more reason to smile in his whole life.

Of course he was, even on that magical day, aware of the fact that it'd take several stressful years of tests and scans before Magnus could be declared completely cured. And brain tumors were infamous when it came to their recurrence rate. The shadow of cancer would always haunt them like a ghost.

But that day he had Magnus in his arms. Healthy and whole. By some miracle he got his beloved back from about as close to death as anyone could get without slipping to the other side. It was enough to make him fantasize about all the amazing things they might now face together.

Magnus noticed the dreamy look on his face. Amusement and affection took over the older man's features. "I take it you're enjoying our wedding, husband?" (So he wasn't the only one who loved that word.)

Alec tightened his hold on the man. "I am. This…" He laughed breathlessly. "This is so perfect that I'm scared this is all a dream and I'll wake up soon."

Magnus pressed a gentle hand against his face. Despite all the rings decorating the dancer's fingers Alec knew without a doubt which one he just slipped to place. "You'll wake up tomorrow, in our bed. To which we'll sneak as soon as we can, because this is our wedding night and I'm planning on taking full advantage of it. And in the morning I'll be right beside you."

Alec decided to trust that promise. Chose to have hope for tomorrow. And sealed his husband to a kiss just as the song's final notes were played.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEE? I'm not a TOTAL sadist. Though… I may have given some of you a tiny scare at the beginning of this chapter. Sorry… (insert innocent whistling)
> 
> (For the record… To me 'I won't give up' is the ULTIMATE Malec song. The lyrics just fit PERFECTLY!)
> 
> HIGH FIVE TO MALEC WEDDING!
> 
> Now, with that out of my system… How was that for a final chapter? Good, bad, lukewarm? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! You have no idea how happy every word from you makes me.
> 
> And THANK YOU, for sticking with me AND especially our beloved boys through this EMOTIONAL ride! (HUGS) Who knows. Maybe I'll see you again with some other project…?
> 
> Take care – of yourselves and all the Magnuses and Alecs out there!

**Author's Note:**

> Ooooh… boy… This is gonna be SO ROUGH. (winces) Poor boys, especially Magnus!  
> SOOOO… What do you think? Would you like to read the full story? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS makes my day.  
> In any case, THANK YOU for reading! Who knows. Maybe I'll see you again?
> 
> Take care!


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